If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self… — Dov Davidoff Awareness Copy Share Image
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to… — Dov Davidoff America Copy Share Image
One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face. — Dov Davidoff Actor Copy Share Image
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more… — Dov Davidoff Angry Copy Share Image
If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving… — Dov Davidoff Aging Copy Share Image
Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland… — Dov Davidoff Animal Copy Share Image
People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots. — Dov Davidoff Acting Copy Share Image
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift? — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs. — Dov Davidoff Emotional Copy Share Image
I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie. — Dov Davidoff Apple pie Copy Share Image
Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with… — Dov Davidoff Comedy Copy Share Image
Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around… — Dov Davidoff Animal Copy Share Image
TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange… — Dov Davidoff Acronyms Copy Share Image
I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know… — Dov Davidoff Clubs Copy Share Image
If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place. — Dov Davidoff Celibacy Copy Share Image
Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself. — Dov Davidoff America Copy Share Image
The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want. — Dov Davidoff America Copy Share Image
White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one. — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure. — Dov Davidoff Failure Copy Share Image
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of… — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more? — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce. — Dov Davidoff Fear Copy Share Image
Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness? — Dov Davidoff Copy Share Image
If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it,… — Dov Davidoff Actor Copy Share Image
