Dov Davidoff

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

— Dov Davidoff

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

— Dov Davidoff

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

— Dov Davidoff

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

— Dov Davidoff

Maybe necrophiliacs are just people that want to have sex without a lot of talking.

— Dov Davidoff

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.

— Dov Davidoff

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

— Dov Davidoff

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

— Dov Davidoff

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it…

— Dov Davidoff

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

— Dov Davidoff

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

— Dov Davidoff

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

— Dov Davidoff

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it…

— Dov Davidoff

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

— Dov Davidoff

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

— Dov Davidoff

Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time.

— Dov Davidoff

Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

— Dov Davidoff

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

— Dov Davidoff

Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.

— Dov Davidoff

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

— Dov Davidoff

Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.

— Dov Davidoff

MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

— Dov Davidoff

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

— Dov Davidoff

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

— Dov Davidoff

Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

— Dov Davidoff

Perhaps depression is a perfectly natural reaction to the human condition.

— Dov Davidoff

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

— Dov Davidoff

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

— Dov Davidoff

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

— Dov Davidoff

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

— Dov Davidoff

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

— Dov Davidoff

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

— Dov Davidoff

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

— Dov Davidoff

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

— Dov Davidoff

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

— Dov Davidoff

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

— Dov Davidoff

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

— Dov Davidoff