Dov Davidoff

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

— Dov Davidoff

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.

— Dov Davidoff

Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

— Dov Davidoff

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

— Dov Davidoff

Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

— Dov Davidoff

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

— Dov Davidoff

If you got it, flaunt it may be decent advice for prostitutes, but no one else.

— Dov Davidoff

The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.

— Dov Davidoff

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

— Dov Davidoff

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

— Dov Davidoff

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

— Dov Davidoff

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it…

— Dov Davidoff

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

— Dov Davidoff

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

— Dov Davidoff

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.

— Dov Davidoff

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I…

— Dov Davidoff

Everybody wants to be more wanted, until they are.

— Dov Davidoff

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

— Dov Davidoff

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

— Dov Davidoff

Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.

— Dov Davidoff

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

— Dov Davidoff

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

— Dov Davidoff

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

— Dov Davidoff

The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

— Dov Davidoff

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

— Dov Davidoff

You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.

— Dov Davidoff

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

— Dov Davidoff

Is there anything more attractive than a woman in high heels and low self esteem?

— Dov Davidoff

Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

— Dov Davidoff

Saying, have a great work-out is like saying, I hope you pull something.

— Dov Davidoff

Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.

— Dov Davidoff

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

— Dov Davidoff

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

— Dov Davidoff

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

— Dov Davidoff

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

— Dov Davidoff

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

— Dov Davidoff

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

— Dov Davidoff

People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are.

— Dov Davidoff

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

— Dov Davidoff

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

— Dov Davidoff