I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I don't mind a crowd's not laughing; it's the groans that slow down the show. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Sometimes it's hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes. — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes. — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
So I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but… — Dave Attell Doggy Copy Share Image
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight. — Dave Attell Fight Copy Share Image
Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people he cops. But you know, sometimes, you've just… — Dave Attell Choices Copy Share Image
Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
The voice in my head has a stutter, and that's really annoying. D-D-D-Dave Dave. What? K-K-K-Kill your p-p-p-parents. L-L-L-Loa... Write it down! — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
If you take off your pants and her first reaction is, "Awwww, look at it...like a little baby Jesus." Time to buy… — Dave Attell Baby Copy Share Image
I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like… — Dave Attell Comic Copy Share Image
Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best… — Dave Attell Best friend Copy Share Image
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
A joke is a joke, and people put too much meaning behind it. They react to it in the wrong way. I… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly 'cause my dad used to beat me with a globe. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me. — Dave Attell Forgiveness Copy Share Image
I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I smoke so much. Three packs a day... I went to the bathroom, a camel came out of my ass. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I watch the Discovery Channel, and you know what I've discovered? I need a girlfriend. — Dave Attell Discovery Copy Share Image
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno! — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what… — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival. — Dave Attell Candle Copy Share Image
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before. — Dave Attell Ejaculation Copy Share Image
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before." — Dave Attell Ejaculation Copy Share Image
Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick… — Dave Attell Fantasy Copy Share Image
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up,… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us. — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise… — Dave Attell Birthday Copy Share Image
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book. — Dave Attell Book Copy Share Image
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
