Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so... I'm not kiddin! — Dave Attell Girl Copy Share Image
I tell you one thing that's great about children. They don't need a show to have fun. What do they need? A… — Dave Attell Book Copy Share Image
If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book. — Dave Attell Book Copy Share Image
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise… — Dave Attell Birthday Copy Share Image
Never drink alone, that's what they say. But you know what? If you drink you will never be alone, alright? — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Even now, as we speak, people are having sex with animals. And we wonder why the animals attack us. — Dave Attell Animal Copy Share Image
My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had? — Dave Attell Comedy Copy Share Image
Sometimes you need a cigarette. Like after you have sex with a beautiful woman or a confused young man. — Dave Attell Beautiful Copy Share Image
Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you're almost a pedophile. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind. — Dave Attell Boys Copy Share Image
Here's a tip: never get drunk while wearing a hooded sweatshirt. You will eventually think there's someone right behind you. — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading 'Ta-Da!' magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming No, that's… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials. I'm not an actor though, so I don't really have much… — Dave Attell Actors Copy Share Image
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them,… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
