If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes failure makes your future because you set the past on fire. — Christopher Titus Failure Copy Share Image
For me, the greatest hurdle to success has always been failure. — Christopher Titus Failure Copy Share Image
My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated. — Christopher Titus Acts of violence Copy Share Image
I lost 28 pounds in my divorce…because that's what a soul weighs. — Christopher Titus Divorce Copy Share Image
Everyone's a racist. It's the one thing that makes us all the same. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Clint Eastwood doesn't moisturize! But Clint Eastwood needs to moisturize! — Christopher Titus Makeup Copy Share Image
In my family, goodness is just badness before its had something to drink. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Fighting Dad's not a fight. Fighting dad is, "Hi, you've just instigated your own mugging! Come on down!" — Christopher Titus Dad Copy Share Image
The United States ranks 14th in the world in education. Even if we subtract Sarah Palin's test scores, it only bumps us… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck… — Christopher Titus Armadillos Copy Share Image
Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad. — Christopher Titus Battle Copy Share Image
A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man!… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Martha Stewart's a convicted felon and they gave her another television show. What's next, the Scott Peterson Fishing Hour? — Christopher Titus Felon Copy Share Image
There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much… — Christopher Titus America Copy Share Image
And my daughter's too smart. She gets it watching TV. She gets it. She's five. She gets it. I... I have a… — Christopher Titus Children Copy Share Image
Of course, here's the weird part. After I fought my dad, all of a sudden we're buddies now. Like he's my friend… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The closer you get to death, the more alive you feel. Dylan Thomas wrote, Do not go gentle into that good night.… — Christopher Titus Alive Copy Share Image
I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as… — Christopher Titus Challenges Copy Share Image
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are… — Christopher Titus Americans Copy Share Image
When you screw up, you got to pay the price. Shoot up a supermarket, you go to jail. Ride a motorcycle without… — Christopher Titus Brain Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee… — Christopher Titus Best intentions Copy Share Image
My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an… — Christopher Titus Alcohol Copy Share Image
How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people… — Christopher Titus Caliber Copy Share Image
Normal people, want to be accepted. Screwed up people, want to be accepted. It's one of the few things we have in… — Christopher Titus Acceptance Copy Share Image
Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up… — Christopher Titus Boys Copy Share Image
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car,… — Christopher Titus Being a teenager Copy Share Image
We are brought into this world cold, weak, and helpless. Then it gets worse. — Christopher Titus Cold Copy Share Image
No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
We don't have home movies in my family. We have people's exhibit A. — Christopher Titus Cinema Copy Share Image
My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect. — Christopher Titus Abandonment Copy Share Image
Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
