I don't tell people I'm white anymore - I'm albino-Cambodian. — Christopher Titus Albino Copy Share Image
Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on. — Christopher Titus Inspirational Copy Share Image
Oh yeah, I'm mentally screwed up for life. But I look good. — Christopher Titus Life Copy Share Image
If you want to do something dangerous... Don't tell your girlfriend! — Christopher Titus Danger Copy Share Image
I'm the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Satan called - he's changed the sheets, fluffed the pillows and laid out the complimentary chocolate. Hell is ready for John Edwards. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
How do we help the church get their respect back? I have a plan: pedophile crucifixions. — Christopher Titus Church Copy Share Image
“Be normal, and the crowd will accept you. Be deranged, and they will make you their leader.” — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Osama Bin Laden is dead? Oh my God, that was so easy! And it only took two trillion dollars, two wars and… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium. — Christopher Titus Alcoholics Copy Share Image
Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant. — Christopher Titus Baseball Copy Share Image
The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you. — Christopher Titus Brain Copy Share Image
Love. It's God's greatest gift. He fills our world with it and makes sure we grow up with caring, supportive parents. I'm… — Christopher Titus Caring Copy Share Image
My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is… — Christopher Titus Best man Copy Share Image
I wish we had a relationship Starbucks cuz that's where you make it perfect. You can get everything perfect at Starbucks. If… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
It should be a law. Everybody should legally own a gun. In fact, if you're caught outside your house without your gun,… — Christopher Titus Amendment Copy Share Image
My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take… — Christopher Titus Choose me Copy Share Image
I have a dream. With that one sentence, Martin Luther King touched and empowered an entire nation. You know what else he… — Christopher Titus Dream Copy Share Image
Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that.… — Christopher Titus Armed robbery Copy Share Image
I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006. Yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon… — Christopher Titus Anus Copy Share Image
Valentines Day is the day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. And when she's happy,… — Christopher Titus Angry Copy Share Image
The Los Angeles Times reported that sixty-three percent of American families are now considered dysfunctional. Good. 'Cause that means when Armageddon really… — Christopher Titus American family Copy Share Image
So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported… — Christopher Titus American families Copy Share Image
Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. Just make sure you clear the bold move with… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Consider Palin for President? The most powerful job on earth? You don't give the dumb cheerleader the Uzi. That's in the Bible. — Christopher Titus Bible Copy Share Image
At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is… — Christopher Titus Girl Copy Share Image
