My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father, never chooses me for anything. Unless he needs a human shield. Thirty years and all I am to him is… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Fathers and sons are natural enemies. Look at any species. Shark, sees his father in the water, he's not thinking, Hey dad,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father, never chooses me for anything. If you needed a kidney and I offered him mine, well, pfft. Well, he'd take… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Blood doesn't make you family. Hell, an only child can bleed. It's the sharing of pain that makes you family. 'Cause, you… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children because if you raise a… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share
Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember. — Christopher Titus Copy Share
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies. — Christopher Titus Copy Share
