They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha." — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I'm glad I was raised by my dad for other reasons, too. There are things you can learn from a father, as… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
How come Mom is crazy and I'm not? Well, it's possible my mom could stand up in front of this many people… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that! — Christopher Titus Copy Share
Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share
I find that Americans are all in the middle somewhere, except for the extreme nuts, and extreme nuts on both sides are the loudest.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding a beer.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after… — Christopher Titus Copy Share
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Copy Share
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes burning on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share
Texas is a hell hole, man. Dirt, cactus, lizards, dirt, cactus, the Bush family. — Christopher Titus Copy Share
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how bad could… — Christopher Titus Copy Share
If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man. — Christopher Titus Copy Share
Why should I learn English? I'm never going to England. Shah, pffff, ur, doy. — Christopher Titus Copy Share
Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember. — Christopher Titus Copy Share
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies. — Christopher Titus Copy Share
