My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly. — Christopher Titus Dad Copy Share Image
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief." — Christopher Titus Belief Copy Share Image
Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered… — Christopher Titus Beer Copy Share Image
A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes. — Christopher Titus Dad Copy Share Image
I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
When I was seven, I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my mom. When Jack Nicholson was strapped to the… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
In a normal family, surprise means presents, cake and a party. My family, surprise means homelessness, abandonment and destruction of private property.… — Christopher Titus Abandonment Copy Share Image
In 1998, in Laramie, Wyoming, two guys beat up Matthew Shepard and left him on the side of the road hanging on… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract… — Christopher Titus Ability Copy Share Image
Get off your ass and do something. All you need is the right inspiration. Anger has fueled me my entire life. It… — Christopher Titus Anger Copy Share Image
My dad got divorced six times. Well, he actually only got divorced five times. He wouldn't divorce the sixth one 'cause he… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
By the way, six A.M.? Not a real great time for me; you know, I'm a comic. I get off work at… — Christopher Titus Comic Copy Share Image
Losing builds character. You know who said that? A loser! Guy who got his ass stomped every day, basketball, football, baseball, lose,… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that… — Christopher Titus Dad Copy Share Image
Normal people terrify me, because they haven't had enough problems in their life to know how to handle problems when they come… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die and then some.… — Christopher Titus Being a parent Copy Share Image
You don't give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That's a communist idea. You don't get a trophy for losing. You… — Christopher Titus Communist Copy Share Image
When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My father? A hard drinking man from the 70's. We actually have no pictures of my dad where he is not holding… — Christopher Titus Beer Copy Share Image
My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Humans are born, small, weak and helpless. That's why we have family. And the elders of the family are the honoured guardians… — Christopher Titus America Copy Share Image
My mom was crazy. And her mom was crazy. And her mom's mom was crazy. Is it my turn? Am I going… — Christopher Titus Baby Copy Share Image
Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Vengeance, is good. You give it, you get it. It's all part of what makes us human. So thank god for vengeance.… — Christopher Titus Cat Copy Share Image
How far would you go for someone you love ? I heard this story, about this woman, who actually lifted a car… — Christopher Titus Baby Copy Share Image
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass… — Christopher Titus Albums Copy Share Image
This horrible decade where all of us men tried to be individual rebels... by wearing the exact same flaming skull on a… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
You know what, man? I am going to literally — if (Palin) gets elected president, I am going to hang out on… — Christopher Titus Country Copy Share Image
My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a… — Christopher Titus Beer Copy Share Image
And one more thing I want to be clear about- I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer… — Christopher Titus Arrogant Copy Share Image
Nobody's really happy. And as soon as society realises that you can't trust anyone and that hardship is a natural part of… — Christopher Titus Can't trust anyone Copy Share Image
Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, "100 bottles of beer… — Christopher Titus Beer Copy Share Image
