Why don't you climb down off the cross, take the wood to build a bridge, and get over it! — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Life, is easy. And if yours isn't, quit whining. Oh, wait. unless you're just a head amd then, you do have it… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Lady, if you laugh and you don't make a noise, you're a shaker, and it's freaking me out. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life… — Christopher Titus Dad Copy Share Image
Thomas Jefferson said, The tree of liberty must be fertilized from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. Yeah… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
We're looking for answers in a landfill instead of looking to people who bring the light. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Your first leader is your dad. 'course he controls your food and shelter, so, he's not really a leader, he's more of… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. Peer pressure, acne, final exams, seven little tiny hairs on your… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. Screwed-up people start wars that could kill millions. Normal people settle fights through cookies, cakes, and… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
If you want something bad enough, you've got to make a bold move. George Washington, took on the British Empire. Neil Armstrong… — Christopher Titus Airport security Copy Share Image
So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I believe life is about balance. My mom was brilliant, yet manipulative. Beautiful, but had more voices in her head than the… — Christopher Titus Balance Copy Share Image
My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. And things might not always work out like you think they should.… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Everybody I've ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every… — Christopher Titus Best friend Copy Share Image
When you are a screwed up person, you have a responsibility to keep your normal friends from getting walked on. 'Cos, how… — Christopher Titus Bad guy Copy Share Image
There's a one in six billion chance you're gonna find your soul mate. But, maybe, your perfect soul mate is actually three… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
This country you're sitting in right now was not built on love, hugs, time-outs and trophies you didn't earn. This country was… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand… — Christopher Titus Babysitter Copy Share Image
At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?'… — Christopher Titus Children Copy Share Image
I think our collective psychosis is hilarious. With the world moving as fast as it is, if we weren't dysfunctional, we couldn't… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
We kinda hated sitcoms when we sat down and talked about this. We wanted to do something that was in the sitcom… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Abortion is an atrocity. Those who practice or praise it are either damn idiots, misguided fools, or treacherous devils. — Christopher Titus Abortion Copy Share Image
Everyone should think for themselves. I learned that in a book I bought called 'Everyone Should Think For Themselves'. — Christopher Titus Book Copy Share Image
Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die? — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my… — Christopher Titus Abuse Copy Share Image
Psychiatrist are like mind hookers. Give them 200 dollars and they just screw with your head. — Christopher Titus Dollars Copy Share Image
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
We're ready for a real black President - someone like Jay-Z. Obama's fine, just not all black. He's our gateway Negro. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
All of Dad's relationships ended exactly the same: subpoena, beep of a moving van backing up the driveway, pile of his clothes… — Christopher Titus Backing up Copy Share Image
Terrorists, oh I'm sorry, Fox News tells us it's all illegal immagration's fault but it's not their fault, it's ours. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha." — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
Osama's dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Can't I just fly, keep my shoes on and… — Christopher Titus Cancer Copy Share Image
I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available. — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
My dad invented road rage. He wasn't the first guy to get mad in the car, but he was first guy to… — Christopher Titus Copy Share Image
