I've never been struck by lightning as far as I know, so the Higher Power is treating me as well as even… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
As a professional journalist, I have always been fascinated by people who appear to have even more spare time than I do. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I really try to think cinematically, because that's how people read. They create a theater in their minds. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
It takes a minimum of six people, working in close harmony, to successfully flush a nautical toilet. That's why those old ships… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
What I want to know is: Why is it important to have visible stomach muscles? I grew up in an era (the… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Americans who travel abroad for the first time are often shocked to discover that, despite all the progress that has been made… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
People don't like it when you make fun of a celebrity. When you make fun of a celebrity, you'll hear from really… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Socially prominent people are very fond of disease, because it gives them a chance to have these really elaborate charity functions, and… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I am a world-class weenie when it comes to letting people stick needles into me. My subconscious mind firmly believes that if… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I guess nobody assumes anybody is a libertarian. It's a more complex political discussion than most people are used to, to explain… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I actually like south Florida. I never lived in a more interesting place than this. I've never met a wider range of… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change? One big factor, of course,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I care about our young people, and I wish them great success, because they are our Hope for the Future, and some… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
With a novel, you have to have a story. It's much more important to have it matter to the reader what happens… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I think if you use Twitter and social media as your main source of information you are an idiot, but I think… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
People don't think of writers as sex objects. The women who write to me and suggest that we ought to have sex… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
English history consists largely of royal people getting their heads chopped off...Needless to say, this brand of history was a hit with… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The Internet is a giant international network of intelligent, informed computer enthusiasts, by which I mean, "people without lives." We don't care.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
It was you readers who really came through, proving once again that when the American people decide to "get involved" in a… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Congress is thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists broadcast signals to Alien beings. This would be a large mistake.… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
You're not allowed to park a truck in your driveway. You're not allowed to work on your house on Sunday. The people… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A tautology is a thing which is tautological. A witty saying proves… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
One of the major hobbies in South Florida is keeping animals that no sane person would want to keep. One of those… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
If Charles Lindbergh, flying with no instruments other than a bologna sandwich, managed to cross the Atlantic and land safely on a… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I hope I don't sound like an old-fashioned stick-in-the-mud, but when I hear about people making vast fortunes without doing any productive… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Headbangers' are people who like heavy-metal music, which is performed by skinny men with huge hair who stomp around the stage, striking… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I don't like anything unsigned in a newspaper that purports to be the opinion of some group if we don't know who… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I've come to realize that you're going to get criticized no matter what. Somebody will always hate what you write, especially if… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
This is true; virtually all edible substances, and many automotive products, are now marketed as being low-fat or fat-free. Americans are obsessed with fat… — Dave Barry Copy Share
This ball was so crowded that it took me - a trained professional journalist with vast experience in this area - forty five minutes… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The hardest thing about being a guy is that women don't accept that you really are just a simple, pathetic, labrador retriever-like creature. That… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. — Dave Barry Copy Share
Entire new continent can emerge from the ocean in the time it takes for a Web page to show up on your screen. Contrary… — Dave Barry Copy Share
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. — Dave Barry Copy Share
If you look at any list of great modern writers such as Ernest Hemingway, William Faulkner, and F. Scott Fitzgerald, you'll notice two things… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you… — Dave Barry Copy Share
“Despite the gulf, physical and cultural, between the United States and Japan, both societies are, in the end, made up of people, and people… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Before going on a diet you should consult your doctor, or at least send him some money. — Dave Barry Copy Share
In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it… — Dave Barry Copy Share
Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress. — Dave Barry Copy Share
