All women are witches, but if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will probably spare you from black… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Life is like Facebook. People will like your problems & comment, but no one will solve them because everyone is busy updating theirs — Anonymous Copy Share Image
RELATIONSHIP like Bonnie and Clyde ; SEX like Jody and Yvette ; ARGUE like Ike and Tina ; and MAKE UP like Martin and Gina. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Bitches be twerking for NO REASON, *microwave goes off* oh shit , my food done. *starts twerking* HOE SIT YO ASS DOWN & EAT ! — Armin Ferizovic Copy Share Image
Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If Big Sean's voice was Siri's Voice on the iPhone 5...'Turn left boiiii...Wait, HOLD UP! Whoa Dereee! Wrong way! Swerveeeee.' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If State Farm were such a good neighbor they'd come over and pick up all the dog shit in my yard. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm ready to take our relationship to the level of appearing together in a Facebook profile picture. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook... — Kevin McCarty Copy Share Image
For every photo a girl posts of herself, there are 27 others in the exact same pose that weren't quite good enough. — Anas Copy Share Image
The awkward moment when you put your hand up to give someone a high five but they walk right past you leaving… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care of our house & everyone in it, & I learned we… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Before you speak listen, before you write think, Before you quit try, Before you take a SHIT, look at the toilet paper. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
No man should ever make eye contact with another man while eating a banana or lollipop... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Don't Take It Seriously * When the HUNTER says, Goes deep in the bush, shoots twice and always eats what he shoots — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
You think Halloween comes only once a year? wrong. Walk into Walmart at 3 in the morning. That's some scary sketchy shit. — Mitchell Perry Copy Share Image
When someone says expect the unexpected, slap them and say I bet you didn't expect that! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you listen closely you can hear the gas pump tell your kid's college fund to go fuck itself. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
A penis has a sad life: His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy,… — Myself Copy Share Image
I like to put things back where I got them from when I am done using them...so I dropped your mom off… — Carlin Whisler Copy Share Image
It's so important to wake up and immediately start starring shit. Stupid Twitter ruined my poo time! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I realized Facebook was a drug when I caught myself sneaking into the bathroom at work just to use it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I hate when I ask my mom how to spell something and she sais look it up in the dictionary. I would… — Tanya Bianco Copy Share Image
This is one of those mornings where I'll be picking the marshmallows out of the Lucky Charms and throwing the rest away. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
To Do List : 1: Buy 4 Pigs 2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 & 5 on their backs 3: Release them in Wal-Mart 4: Sit back watch Security search for 4 — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The only thing I have learned in thirty years is that women want men to stop asking dumb questions like that. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I don't know why they call it a Walk of Shame. You just had sex last night and now everyone knows it.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I just need a day off, from reality, just a day without people, problems, and all the bullshit that runs through my… — Kevin McCarty Copy Share Image
HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Some people don't have the vision to want what they could have, but would rather settle for what's close by. — Adar Burks Copy Share Image
When I was in highschool,Its all good when I have a failing grades.. as long as my friends have a failing grades… — Antoinette Ysrael Copy Share Image
Not to brag but its women who always say 'SORRY' to me Like this women in bar last night said: SORRY Asshole,… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I was watching Gene Simmons' TV show, Family Jewels. Or as it's known in the business, 'The Osbournes' Without the Talented Father. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
LOL girls are DUMB. if you cheated on your boyfriend.. you basically became a downgrade. and don't expect to find someone better.… — Armin Ferizovic Copy Share Image
Facebook asks me what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Foursquare asks where I am. The internet has turned into a… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Johnny asks grandpa: Do you still have sex with granny? Grandpa says: Yes, but only oral. Johnny asks: What is oral? Grandpa… — Daniel Vargas Copy Share Image
Do not cry for those who hurt you, this way you're making them successful, smile and be the winner. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
For April Fools Day, I think Facebook should switch the search box and the status update box around. So people would post… — Stephanie Copy Share Image
No matter how bad your day is going, just remember that somewhere in the world someone just got a pubic hair in… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Woman say:I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. Woman means:I just don't want YOU as a boyfriend now. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
