The government could fix everything that's wrong with the country if they'd simply read my Facebook updates. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
HUSBAND, A man who has one mistake in his existence -- and keeps learning from it all his life; — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
The best feeling: When you wake up at 5am and realize you still have more hours to sleep. — Punkinhead Abhishek Copy Share Image
Hey I Didn't Mean To Interrupt Your Scrolling But Just Wanted To Let You Know, I Was Thinking Of You. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Rick Ross Screaming these niggas can't hold me back .. Forgetting the Fact his ass weighs about 998729069529032 pounds — Jerett Parker Copy Share Image
Stupid me! So that's why I work so many hours, so you can collect welfare,wear pajamas in public and have an iPhone. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
My Girlfriend just said that I should stop acting like an year old. I almost choked on her boobs. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Welcome to facebook, where you can stalk your exes, freak out your frends, and go from normal to bi polor in 30 secounds! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I would like to open a restaurant, call it the Marilyn Monroe Café, and put hundreds of pictures of Jeff Goldblum on… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Why did the blonde send a blank letter to her husband in the army? They had a fight before he left and… — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
You know you're addicted to Call of Duty when you go to work, take your boss's suitcase, make beeping sounds, and then… — Alec Straub Copy Share Image
I have an eating disorder. I be eatin DIS order of fries, and DIS order of nuggets, and DIS order of wings… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I love how in scary movies how the person yells out hello as if the killer is gonna say yeah Im in… — Lars Propst Copy Share Image
Why the Fuck is TeamLesbian Or TeamBi almost In every Girls Bio on Twitter?.. Where the Fuck is TeamILIkeLonnngggggDick ?? — Jerett Parker Copy Share Image
I hate it when I tell someone I'll be there in 15 minutes yet they choose to call me every half an… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The ones that learn by reading…… The few who learn by observation….. The rest of them have to pee on the electric… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
To all the students who drop out and fail high school: Remember two things, 1. You tried your best. 2. I don't… — Itsme867 Copy Share Image
If lesbians aren't attracted to men, why are they attracted to women that look like men? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The Government needs to find a way to make Facebook a career... it would open up so many jobs for people. — Ryah Copy Share Image
Pizza is a lot like sex. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm changing my Facebook name to no-one so when I send people friend requests it will say no-one wants to be your… — Arjun Loveable Copy Share Image
The doctor told me not to lift anything heavy for a few weeks... So now I have to sit down when I… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Next time a blocked number calls you answer like this: 'Local sperm bank. You jack it, we pack it. How may I… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Fighting on internet is like competing in the Special Olympics...Even if you win, you are still a Retard — Chris Sullivan Copy Share Image
Dear Santa, ( ) I've been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the time. ( ) Once in a while.… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
That uncomfortable moment when you're in the car and you look at the people in the car next to you. Then you… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
One day you are gonna retweet & star me like I retweet & star you, and just like you, I won't care. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Why the hell do banks have chains on their pens? if I'm trusting you with my money, you should be able to… — Charlie Knapp Copy Share Image
You said you wont leave me alone but where are you now? I'm alone again and I haven't forgotten about you. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Old meaning of sorry. I wont do it again. New meaning of sorry. Damn I got caught, next time I need to… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Gahhh! I just made a big mess, now the floors are gonna be sticky... (shutup I spilled my sunny D. ) lol… — Syoung Copy Share Image
I asked my mom, 'How old were you when I was born?' My mom replied, '23' Me: 'Wow, that's a lot of… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I hate when I'm wearing my Apple Bottom jeans and I can't find my boots with the furrrr. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear you, close my eyes, and count to 10..I suggest you either rephrase your attitude..or run… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you text me and then within the next 3 minutes send me ???, you will not get a reply. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The closest that I've gotten to murder: Holding Oreos under the milk until the bubbles stop... — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Girls are like Jedi's, they can lift things without even touching them...if you know what I mean. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said: How the hell did you… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
A penis has a rough life. His hair always looks a mess, he stays next to an asshole, his family is nuts,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
