Oh, America! I could never leave you! You're like my dog, dumb as a post but you make me laugh! — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Wichita Falls, Texas is considering using toilet water for drinking. And a dog there today said, 'White people's problems.' — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“New Rule: A dog is the only animal that can get you laid. No offense, parrot guy, but it's not gonna happen.… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
To those people who say, 'My father is alive because of animal experimentation,' I say, 'Yeah, well, good for you. This dog… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Of course, there are questions that plague all of us. How did we get here? What happens when we die? Is there… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
America is like a dog. I'm sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Next week John Boehner will be sitting behind Barack Obama at the State of the Union address. I think Obama should purposely… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Trying to get today's Republicans to accept basic facts is like trying to get your dog to take a pill. You have… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
But I've often said that if I had – I have two dogs – if I had two retarded children, I'd be… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid. — Bill Maher Copy Share
I saw this anti-drug commercial that showed a kid smoking pot in his dad's room with his friend. This kid finds a gun, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share
To all conservative women out there: If you are so sure the embryo needed for stem cell research are precious human life that can't… — Bill Maher Copy Share
You see, the difference is the Republicans' hatred of Obama is based on a paranoid feeling about what he might do, what he's thinking,… — Bill Maher Copy Share
New Rule: There is no devil, so stop blaming your screw-ups on him. Last week, one of the biggest evangelical leaders in America, the… — Bill Maher Copy Share
“New Rule: The White House doesn't have to release the dead Bin Laden photos, but don't pretend we can't take it. We've seen pictures… — Bill Maher Copy Share
I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is… — Bill Maher Copy Share
“New Rule: Americans must realize what makes NFL football so great: socialism. That's right, the NFL takes money from the rich teams and gives… — Bill Maher Copy Share
So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies. — Bill Maher Copy Share
What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a… — Bill Maher Copy Share
“I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.” — Bill Maher Copy Share
