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- Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt! — Robin Williams
- On her daughter's pet rabbit: I don't think he liked being in a cage and wouldn't stop masturbating and humping his bowl. — Kate Beckinsale
- My friends keep telling me I'm doing it with Mary Palmer. That's not true - I'm too busy masturbating to meet anyone… — Roddy Piper
- Remember: People who live in glass houses can see you masturbating in their bushes. — Unknown Author
- I can sell out Madison Square Garden masturbating — Mike Tyson
- Don’t forget, God can see you masturbating. But don’t stop. He’s almost there. — Sarah Silverman
- What do you do when you see a man masturbating at a salad baran actual salad shooterbut wait, I'm single, we're both… — Unknown Author
- The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature. — Larry David