Funny Relationship Quotes

164 quotes by 128 authors

Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up… — Richard Bach
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner. — Roseanne Barr
Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one. — Glenn Beck
Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope. — Josh Billings
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla. — Jim Bishop
Ideally, couples need three lives; one for him, one for her, and one for them together. — Jacqueline Bisset
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. — Erma Bombeck
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery. — Erma Bombeck
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest. — Erma Bombeck
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. — George Burns
Don't smother each other. No one can grow in the shade. — Leo Buscaglia
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. — George Carlin
You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure… — Jonathan Carroll
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. — Johnny Carson
A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time… — Cher
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable. — Cher
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. — Woody Allen
The wedding is where two people become one. The marriage is where they decide which one. — Robert Breault
My ex-boyfriend can round last night, which was weird because I didn't know he was in a coma. — Jo Brand
I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap. — Bob Monkhouse

Who Wrote These Funny Relationship Quotes

128 authors contributed a total of 164 Funny Relationship Quotes, led by these top contributors: