Nikhil Saluja

If you haven't checked the time in your watch for like 4 or 5 hours, you're probably having a good time.

— Nikhil Saluja

I wonder how many people I would have actually murdered brutally if everything I thought actually happened.

— Nikhil Saluja

Never use wet wood in your fireplace. Always let weeping logs dry.

— Nikhil Saluja

A Woman Never Say: I liked that wedding even more then ours. Your ex-girlfriend has class.

— Nikhil Saluja

Took a compatibility test and the results said I get along best with beer.

— Nikhil Saluja

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

— Nikhil Saluja

I will always ignore a woman's feelings unless, those feelings involve me feeling her titties.

— Nikhil Saluja

I wouldn't mind being in an abusive relationship with you babes only if you would punch me with her tits.

— Nikhil Saluja

The cobra will bite you whether you call it cobra or Sir. Cobra.

— Nikhil Saluja

Statistically, 10% of women will find this joke offensive. The other 90% are in the kitchen, where they fucking should be!

— Nikhil Saluja

Good girls wax their floors Bad girls wax their bikini line Naughty girls wax your nutsack

— Nikhil Saluja

So your name is Will, But you don't call your crotch The Willderness, then what the fuck?

— Nikhil Saluja

If you ever find me sitting alone in a McDonald's, don't bother me. I'm probably busy judging people.

— Nikhil Saluja

Million Dollar Idea: A cupcake that is 24 inches round and 6 inches thick.

— Nikhil Saluja

When I hear a guy say bros before hoes I automatically assume he's referring to gay sex.

— Nikhil Saluja

I met you, I liked you, I loved you, I had you, I lost you, I missed you, I never wanna see…

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, That ceremony which makes more strange bedfellows than politics;

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm totally gonna be that cool dad that picks up his kid from school in underwear and on a scooter.

— Nikhil Saluja

I hate to travel. I guess it's because my father used to beat me with a globe.

— Nikhil Saluja

62% of women check phones during sex. 38% of women are wondering what's wrong with their service.

— Nikhil Saluja

Dear Sleep, You'll always be my favorite Hello and my hardest Goodbye.

— Nikhil Saluja

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to…

— Nikhil Saluja

If you convince me to make me think WHAT THE FUCK you instantly get a retweet.

— Nikhil Saluja

Amazing Home Remedies: Never, under any circumstances, take a laxative and sleeping pills on the same night.

— Nikhil Saluja

I texted my girlfriend a picture of my flaccid penis. I just wanted to let her know I was thinking about her.

— Nikhil Saluja

LUXURIES, Items which, by grand design, always cost more -- for example: a divorce decree costs more than a marriage license

— Nikhil Saluja

The follower counts should be hidden so we can be fair and judge people only by the quality of their tweets.

— Nikhil Saluja

That little pissed off feeling you get when a girl calls you cute. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

— Nikhil Saluja

So does 'shuffle' mean playing all the songs you don't want to hear?

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't waste your life living in a $100,000 apartment when you can live under a $15 million dollar bridge.

— Nikhil Saluja

I just learned today that bacteria is not the back door of a cafeteria.

— Nikhil Saluja

Twinkle twinkle little star, I wanna hit you with my car. Throw you off a cliff so high, hope you break your…

— Nikhil Saluja

MARRIAGE, An event which is called tying the knot -- unfortunately, the knot can be a noose;

— Nikhil Saluja

Mission Accomplished! A girl is currently nibbling on my penis. I'm going to call my wife and tell her the good news.

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm about to take a shower. Adjust your secret web cams accordingly

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't try to please people you'll fail, But you can piss them off and please yourself!

— Nikhil Saluja

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

— Nikhil Saluja

Without our immigrants, who will kick our field goals, or train our white tigers?

— Nikhil Saluja

Going to gym really sucks. But I calculated, and there's a good news - I only have to go 9,972 times before…

— Nikhil Saluja

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

— Nikhil Saluja