Les Dawson Quotes

48 quotes in 651 categories

• Marriage is an institution and that's where a couple finishes up.
• I went to my doctor and asked for something for persistent wind. He gave me a kite.
• Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.
• The wife's Mother said, ‘When you're dead, I'll dance in your grave.’ I said: ‘Good, I'm being buried at sea’.
• I took the wife's family out for tea biscuits. They weren't too happy about having to give blood though.
• He had ambitions, at one time, to become a sex maniac, but he failed his practical.
• My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
• My mother-in-law had to stop skipping for exercise. It registered seven on the Richter scale.
• I can always tell when the mother in law's coming to stay; the mice throw themselves on the traps.
• I knew I'd chosen the wrong airline when I noticed the sick bag had the Lord's Prayer on it.
• I know my name will always be linked with women.
• I need to give affection and love, because without that, I wither. I need to give that love to someone. Without that, I'm rudderless.
• I went to the doctor last week. I said: 'Can I have some sleeping pills for the wife?' He said: 'Why?' I said: 'She's woke…
• I'm not saying my mother didn't like me, but she kept looking for loopholes in my birth certificate.
• My lad chewed and swallowed a dictionary. We gave him Epsom salts - but we can't get a word out of him.
• My mother-in-law has so many wrinkles, when she smiles she looks like a Venetian blind.
• My mother-in-law's so fat that when she passes her handbag from hand to hand she throws it.
• Slumps don't bother me.
• Take my wife... please. I'm not saying she's ugly, but when she went to see a horror film, the audience thought she was making a…
• Everyone has a family tree; the Dawsons have one, it's a weeping willow.

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