“When bananas blush, they turn brown, not red. And when tomatoes blush, you’ve probably said something really naughty.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I still remember her meandering Mississippi kiss. I sipped it like a riverboat captain in the desert. Ah, to be young and… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My love has six sides, but it’s not a coffin. That’s just an optical illusion. Still, one day my love for you… — Jarod Kintz Death Copy Share Image
“Love doesn’t have form (aside from your naked body), but it does have a shape. The shape of love is circular, like… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.” — Jarod Kintz Forgetting Copy Share Image
“Who wants to be the unsung heroes of my voiceless choir quartet? We’re the Helen Kellers, and I’m holding auditions with oven… — Jarod Kintz Auditions Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to show you how much I love you. Well, maybe not a whole brick, but certainly a… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My wife keeps me busy while she talks—I’m not listening, but rather making the air masturbation gesture.” — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“My apartment complex isn’t. No, it’s simple. I used to think our love was simple, until Chris Hemsworth moved into your heart.” — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Time is fluid, like the wide sky that fades into bright orange in a sunset in The Ozarks. Every moment is meant… — Jarod Kintz Every moment Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to express my condolences. I’m sorry to have to tell you I’m sorry, but that’s life, you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m in no position to criticize, because I’m in the fetal position, and I’m bound and gagged and stuffed in the trunk… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I may have a point, but that still leaves me two points shy of a three-point turn. But I'd rather be right… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could have thought up a lot of things, but many great people had to go and live before me. They might… — Jarod Kintz Great people Copy Share Image
“Some people read books on musicians, while I read music books. Not books on music, but literally books full of sheet music.… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“My ex girlfriend said she’d never cheat on me. Well, she did—with an accountant. Now I owe money to the IRS.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You can read until you’re blue in the face, but I’d recommend writing until you’re red in the face. And ass.” — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“I’m a patriotic pilot. I know how to fly a flag. Of course I don’t fly anything anymore, not after my boating… — Jarod Kintz Flag Copy Share Image
“If my name were Entist, I’d probably be a dentist. If my name were Dennis, I’d probably be into tennis. And if… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I’m not in manufacturing, but I make something. I make a difference. But to be honest, I think China can make it… — Jarod Kintz China Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to not be used. Is my hair waving in the wind, or are your eyes twitching? ” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To be a great writer, you must be nomadic. I’d recommend the hunter/gatherer lifestyle for anybody serious about being nonsensical.” — Jarod Kintz Nomadic Copy Share Image
“I thought she was older than she was, and I thought she was younger than she was. She looked older, but she… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“My rural erection didn’t impress the people in town, but I did have all the dairy farmers lining up to try to… — Jarod Kintz Rural Copy Share Image
“My favorite time to network is now. Seriously, what are you doing this instant? Call all your friends and tell them you… — Jarod Kintz Time Copy Share Image
“I can’t talk you out of what your heart is set on. I just hope you set it on the shelf, next… — Jarod Kintz Books Copy Share Image
“Don’t put the hat in hate and then wear it around with pride. Wear your love like socks for gloves, and let… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“She had two leaves for feat. Maple, I think. She was flat-footed and always ready to leave. That’s why I tried to… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to replace a flat tire. After all, you want to replace like with like, and what’s more… — Jarod Kintz Tire Copy Share Image
“I had a Chinese girlfriend once who asked me how much she meant to me. I knew very little Chinese, so I… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve… — Jarod Kintz Love Copy Share Image
“Keep your eyes open, especially if you’re wearing a blindfold while driving. Closing your eyes in that situation could be dangerous.” — Jarod Kintz Blindfold Copy Share Image
“My favorite tree is the Joshua tree, which is named after me. Well, it will be, once I change my name to… — Jarod Kintz Trees Copy Share Image
“In the name of freedom and redistribution of wealth, I’ve decided to grow a beard on my chest.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I could inject a brick in each of my butt cheeks and then be like ancient Greece: a ruin. Only, I’d ask… — Jarod Kintz Ancient greece Copy Share Image
“With the interconnectedness of it all, the world is more fluid than ever. I blame it on the rain. Milli Vanilli was… — Jarod Kintz Interconnectedness Copy Share Image
“I found a note I wrote that said “Doctor’s Appointment Tomorrow.” Well, that note is wrong, because that appointment was yesterday.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Most people take four years to get a degree. Not me. I’m twice as ambitious. It took me nearly eight years to… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I should charge my bank money every time I endorse the back of a check. What is the going rate these days… — Jarod Kintz Money Copy Share Image
