“My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to write a book so long that it will take the average person their whole life to read. It will… — Jarod Kintz Average person Copy Share Image
“Do I attribute my success to hard work, or sunscreen? If you want the truth, maybe you should ask my new albino… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“You want to tell me what this is? she asked as she gabbed my erection. “A miracle of science,” I replied.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She told me she loved me. Most men wouldn’t know how to respond, but I did. What else could I say but,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmas—especially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If kids six and under eat free, then I’m an infant. Or at least infantile. Bring on the steaks.” — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“My ball sack is like a bubblegum bubble, only with slightly less bubblegum flavor, and a little more fun to chew on.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When it doesn’t matter to you, that’s where I’ll find the most matter. The pile of trash builds up just as fast… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I did something so stupid last night that I can’t even speak about it today. I took a vow of silence.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Bricks could be used to stock vending machines. You may be out of a home, but I’ll never be out of bricks… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“The best part about having children is being able to point at them and proudly proclaim, "Hey, I made those.” — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“He was washing his socks. But they were already clean, so I figured I’d help him and wear them for him and… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like… — Jarod Kintz Marriage Copy Share Image
“A door shaped like a vagina is more inviting. Sure, I’ll come in, but not slouched over. Allow me to straighten up… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Work hard or don’t work hard, either way your hair will turn gray. I should let you be alone while you die,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an example of the word.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Inviting the invading army over for dinner, buffet style, is a bad idea. Especially when I just took a bath in the… — Jarod Kintz Bad idea Copy Share Image
“Why did the brick and blanket cross the road? Because some maniac had just run over the chicken. That maniac was me,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“They’ll know who the brains of the operation was when they see me smash my clone’s skull on the concrete.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She had blonde hair like spaghetti noodles, and then she went and dyed it marinara. But I loved her like I enjoy… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Do they make chin straps with knives attached? If they do, I need one. You can never have too much safety—especially when… — Jarod Kintz Falling in love Copy Share Image
“I think I just inhaled a cloud shaped like the ghost of my grandpa, and all I have to say is grandma… — Jarod Kintz Smell Copy Share Image
“Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I must be a great leader because many people follow me. Most of the people are police officers, if that gives you… — Jarod Kintz Great leader Copy Share Image
“With gift giving, if it’s the thought that counts, then a picture of a Mercedes is just as good as an actual… — Jarod Kintz Gift Copy Share Image
“The Mythical Mr. Boo has several eagle feathers, or “Freedom Feathers,” as he likes to call them, that he staples to his… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to cover my couch. Nobody should see that I constructed my sofa on the bones of my… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“A blanket could be used to swallow up the nightmares you used to have as a kid. Whatever happened to those bad… — Jarod Kintz Bad dream Copy Share Image
“If there are two witnesses to a murder, you and the guy you killed, I’d say your secret is safe. I won’t… — Jarod Kintz Secret Copy Share Image
“Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I think all toys should be invisible. Not only would they improve children’s imaginations, but they’d also be really affordable. In fact,… — Jarod Kintz Children Copy Share Image
“A brick could be used to sell war to the peacemongers. The trick is to sell war cheap, because the real profit… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I am terrified of heights, sharks, and spiders, so I am not into skydiving, surfing, or camping. I am the epitome of… — Jarod Kintz Cowardice Copy Share Image
“Hoping you were the first to do something, and fearing you weren’t the first, won’t change the future by altering the past.… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I used pleading insanity as a threat, and now I employ it as a party favor. (The Communist party is the one… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“If my legs get blown off in war, I’d like to have them replaced with a coffee table. Half man/half furniture, I’ll… — Jarod Kintz Life Copy Share Image
“But I still have no cash flow. I need a job, or the gift of prophecy and a plane ticket to Las… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“She grew broccoli, and I grew dentures. We were perfect for each other. Our love disappeared into each other like a box… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I gather wisdom like a net gathers fish. And the more fish I get in my net, the more I feel like… — Jarod Kintz Wisdom Copy Share Image
