Jarod Kintz Quotes
55 quotes
in 749 categories
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I hate when women give me that look. That overlook.
Give
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Im reminded of Orville Tethington, inventor of the worlds first steam-powered fog machine. Hes also the guy who, after the Germans invented the flame thrower…
Anytime
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I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!
Always Hungrily
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Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing…
Ability
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I saw this beautiful girl the other day. She had an ass behind her that seemed to go on for days. In fact, Im still…
Ass
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Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper.
Apart
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Im not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, Im dying my hair tonight.
Become Patient
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If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.
Destiny
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I want my time to be taken up by chores, errands, appointments, and arguments. In other words, I want to get married.
Appointments
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The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasnt hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.
Call
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A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. Thats why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine.
Aquarium
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I went to a football game once and got punched in the face, but you couldnt tell because I was already sitting in the nosebleed…
Already Sitting
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The morning always has a way of creeping up on me and peeking in my bedroom windows. The sunrise is such a pervert.
Bedroom
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The only reason my wife agreed to marry me is because Christian Bale wasn't around to propose to her.
Agreed
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Im at the top of my game. And that game is Monopoly. Im standing on the board right now.
Board
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Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have to pay for.
Free
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My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.
Colors
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The dollar isnt worth its weight in gold, and the pound isnt worth its weight in ounces.
Dollar
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From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually…
Actually Get
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I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.
Funny
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