Like what's the point being a health nut by day if you're a coke head at night. — Jane Wagner Coke Copy Share Image
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain. — Jane Wagner Complain Copy Share Image
We got new advice as to what motivated man to walk upright: to free his hands for masturbation. — Jane Wagner Funny Copy Share Image
Nothing makes you realize you don't know what you want more than getting what you want. — Jane Wagner Getting what you want Copy Share Image
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic. — Jane Wagner Funny Copy Share Image
I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you. — Jane Wagner Death Copy Share Image
I feel like my life is just passing me by like two ships in the night. And I have missed both boats. — Jane Wagner Boat Copy Share Image
Sex is such a personal thing - why do we insist on sharing it with another person? — Jane Wagner Personal things Copy Share Image
It's not that I lack ambition. I am ambitious in the sense that I want to be more than I am now.… — Jane Wagner Ambition Copy Share Image
I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have deja vu! — Jane Wagner Cellulite Copy Share Image
You don't know what it's like! Hyperactive twins! When they turned three, my doctor prescribed Ritalin -- I wouldn't dream of giving… — Jane Wagner Children Copy Share Image
To think, we have the garment industry instead of nature to thank for the zipper concept when it would have come in… — Jane Wagner Childbirth Copy Share Image
“I worry whoever thought up the term 'quality control' thought if we didn't control it, it would get out of hand.” — Jane Wagner Quality control Copy Share Image
Ahhhhhhhh. There is nothing natural about natural childbirth. It is as close to a freak accident as anything I can think of.… — Jane Wagner Accidents Copy Share Image
I even worry about reflective flea collars. Oh, sure, drivers can see them glow in the dark, but so can the fleas. — Jane Wagner Collars Copy Share Image
It's one thing to tolerate a boring marriage; a boring affair does not make sense. — Jane Wagner Affair Copy Share Image
Just think: your family are the people most likely to give you the flu. — Jane Wagner Family Copy Share Image
The ability to delude yourself may be an important survival tool. — Jane Wagner Ability Copy Share Image
I worry that drugs have forced us to be more creative than we really are. — Jane Wagner Creative Copy Share Image
People don't need sex so much as they need to be listened to. — Jane Wagner Listening Copy Share Image
I am sick of being the victim of trends I reflect but don't even understand. — Jane Wagner Sick Copy Share Image
... it's hard to be politically conscious and upwardly mobile at the same time. — Jane Wagner Conscious Copy Share Image
What is reality anyway! It's nothing but a collective hunch. — Jane Wagner Collective Copy Share Image
Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either. — Jane Wagner Laughing Copy Share Image
If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from? — Jane Wagner Baby Copy Share Image
Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself. — Jane Wagner Delusions Copy Share Image
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. — Jane Wagner Life Copy Share Image
The hardest part about being a kid is knowing you have got your whole life ahead of you. — Jane Wagner Ahead Copy Share Image
“I personally believe we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.” — Jane Wagner Complaining Copy Share Image
One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and… — Jane Wagner Agnostic Copy Share Image
