Jack Handy Quotes

25 quotes in 199 categories

• It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just…
• And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and…
• I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks.
• The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and…
• As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more…
• Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and…
• Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
• If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone.
• One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
• If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like now.
• I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals

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