Eugene Mirman Quotes

18 quotes in 459 categories

• I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
• Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
• Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse…
• High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games;…
• On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.
• Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not let…
• Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.
• If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044.
• God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.
• Some tips for life: 1.Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2.Be kind to people. 3.Don't get too excited when…
• I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for? Is there a…
• What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears.
• If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.
• Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.
• Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do…
• In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So…
• A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine.…
• I went to high school in Lexington, Massachusetts, which in hindsight was very nice.

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