Dave Attell Quotes

51 quotes in 668 categories

• What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.
• You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.
• Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice;…
• When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.
• A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out.…
• I don't watch reality TV.
• I feel like soundtrack music is almost like seeing the movie again, but with my ears.
• I have no grand scheme.
• I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
• Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
• There's a late-night scene in every town, and everyone has something going on, ... I've heard good stories about (Syracuse); this is a very good…
• This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and…
• If I had a kid, I'd give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I'd call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I…
• I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what's going on.
• Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't…
• Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
• Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.
• Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a…
• I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.
• I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of…

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