Bill Bailey

I used to like beer, but it makes me feel slightly queasy.

— Bill Bailey

I quite like confounding people's expectations.

— Bill Bailey

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

— Bill Bailey

Doing comedy around the world is a way of finding out how people tick.

— Bill Bailey

In 1994 I was doing a two-hander with Sean Lock in Edinburgh and there were more people in the cast than the…

— Bill Bailey

My grandfather had strong opinions. He was an argumentative character and quite staunchly socialist.

— Bill Bailey

When I was 15, I went to see the Stranglers at Bath Pavilion. I saw Jean-Jacques Burnel take off his bass and…

— Bill Bailey

I used to live on a houseboat near Hammersmith Bridge.

— Bill Bailey

For me, audio books was about when you can't actually physically get hold of a book, like when you're driving. It's a…

— Bill Bailey

Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.

— Bill Bailey

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

— Bill Bailey

I think people are quite refreshed with politicians who aren't concerned with what Arctic Monkeys track they like, but with the day-to-day,…

— Bill Bailey

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

— Bill Bailey

Normally, with stand-up, it's quite solitary, you write the material on your own, you perform it on your own, it's all very…

— Bill Bailey

I have sold stuff door-to-door, but not doors.

— Bill Bailey

That ideology was never going to work, was it? It was just cobbled together from different beliefs: The anti-intellectualism of the Khmer…

— Bill Bailey

I prefer the simple things and I love walking in the countryside, or going camping... but simplicity is hard. It's easier to…

— Bill Bailey

Having a break from comedy is quite good.

— Bill Bailey

It's true. Hitler was a vegetarian. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead…

— Bill Bailey

If you become famous but haven't actually achieved anything, then your life has no real meaning - unless you're spectacularly shallow.

— Bill Bailey

My first job was selling doors, door to door. That's a tough job isn't it? Bing Bong; Hello, can I interest you…

— Bill Bailey

Riding a horse and using a phone camera is tricky but if you don't take pictures or record the moment, you lose…

— Bill Bailey

Fatherhood made everything more straightforward. I was relieved that no longer did I have to agonise over what meaning I had in…

— Bill Bailey

It's been Bill for so long people think my name is William, but it's not, it's Mark.

— Bill Bailey

This shed does not contain me.

— Bill Bailey