Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

30 quotes in 493 categories

• I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will…
• This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list,…
• My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
• Mike Tyson, what can I say about you that hasn’t already been the title of a Richard Pryor album?
• Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you…
• God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.
• My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.
• Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took…
• You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.
• Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like…
• Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for…
• The world is full of horrible things...
• You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to…
• I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how…
• I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.
• I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
• I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.
• Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing…
• I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.
• Larry King is so old, he's actually one of the Jews that killed Christ.

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