I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking — George Carlin Copy Share Image
More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood -… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them! — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think you can talk about anything if the context is correctly arranged. If you set up the context and you bring… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A person of good intelligence and of sensitivity cannot exist in this society very long without having some anger about the inequality… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When it comes to bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims: religion...… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, 'You know, I want to set those people over… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches?… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Now, some people do this for shock value. Shock is just another uptown word for surprise. Granted it has a different quality… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Even in a fake democracy, people ought to get what they want once in a while. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff? — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
