Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“People are wonderful one at a time. Each one of them has an entire hologram of the universe somewhere within them.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I always knew I could hold people's attention and make them laugh every 30 or 40 seconds, and I got approval and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you,… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I don't care much about the outcome. I'd like for people to feel better and have better lives, but I don't think… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
People have material needs, but you don't need a deodorant for every different day of the week. You don't need four hundred… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think there's a little more attention to human needs than to property rights. But I don't think much of political activism.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him.… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I think everybody should be able to do anything they want and let roving bands of people punish each other for things… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
Suddenly, I was thirty, very unhappy entertaining people in their forties, and here came a group of people in their teens and… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind. — George Carlin Copy Share
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts - it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken… — George Carlin Copy Share
“I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both… — George Carlin Copy Share
“TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY. Not true. Today is another day. We have no idea what tomorrow is going to be. It might turn out… — George Carlin Copy Share
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him. — George Carlin Copy Share
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers. — George Carlin Copy Share
“If you guys want to get a MOM tattoo and save a little money, just get two letters done. Get about a one-inch capital… — George Carlin Copy Share
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! — George Carlin Copy Share
It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day,… — George Carlin Copy Share
The whole idea of the pursuit of goods and possessions has completely corrupted the human experience, along with religion, which I think limits the… — George Carlin Copy Share
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people. — George Carlin Copy Share
