This is one of my favorite pick up strategies: I'm constantly giving women my keys. So far, none of them have shown up. Matter of time. And I've been robbed twice. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Your favorite kind of cake can't be birthday cake, that's like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Others fear what the morrow may bring. I am afraid of what happened yesterday. — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't,… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
You go to any Jay-Z concert, and he plays his hits. Comedians don't have hits. You have to have a whole brand-new hour. You… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Let's have a moment of silence for all the chubby Asian dudes that are getting 'Gangnam style!' yelled at them by bros around the… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
Writing your own jokes, you just kind of keep working on something until you think it might work, and then you try it out… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
“Rather than compare actual jobs, with their various pros and cons, in their minds they wound up selecting the features of each particular job and creating a “fantasy job,” an ideal that neither they nor, probably, anyone else would ever get. Johnny Satisficer is sitting around at his dum-dum job, eating his disgusting subpar taco and thinking about hanging his… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share
“Yale sociologist John Ellsworth Jr. said after a study of marriage patterns in Simsbury, Connecticut (population 3,941): “People will go as far as they have to to find a mate, but no farther.”2 Things” — Aziz Ansari Copy Share
Why would anyone get married and have babies? That's the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. Or the scariest thing I've ever… — Aziz Ansari Copy Share Image
