Humour Quotes · Page 55

The Worst Thing About Censorship Is... [ Deleted By Censorship Bureau ]

— Pacifiersucker

“Your daughter is adorable. I've never seen such an alien duck in my entire life.”

— Holly Smale

“Life is difficult and those who make us laugh are angels.”

— Wayne Gerard Trotman

“To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.”

— Carla H Krueger

The sympathy of most people consists of a mixture of good-humour, curiosity, and self-importance.

— Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

“He didn’t look as if he’d been through a whirlwind exactly but he’d certainly endured a stiff breeze.”

— Sara Sheridan

“She was every inch the skeletal goddess that had been promised by the bones of her feet.”

— Jefferson Smith

Humour is a big part of our lives as well as our music. Making it fun is the most important thing.

— Adam Faulkner

“If I'd have been thinking I would have left some Woolite and my delicates by the sink for him to rinse out,…

— Jenny Lawson

“I tried to make sense of things. Now that I think about it, I have always tried. It could be my epitaph.…

— Nicole Krauss

PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is…

— Ambrose Bierce

“Just answer the questions so I can get the fuck out of this backwards shithole before I start wanting to root a…

— JD Nixon

“His only mistake, naturally enough, was to keep his attention on the bloke with the saw. He should have been watching the…

— Mark Huntley-James

“For the moment we might very well can them DUNNOS (for Dark Unknown Nonreflective Nondetectable Objects Somewhere).”

— Bill Bryson

“Here you are. Would you like some pickles?” “Pickles gives me the wind something awful.” “In that case—” “Oh, I wasn’t saying…

— Terry Pratchett

“He punctuated this last thought with such a deep sigh that a house sparrow singing near by stopped and rushed home to…

— Norton Juster

“Michael tousled my hair and said, "Remember, no more skateboards, right?" And then this gem: "If you ever break your arm skateboarding…

— Alison Arngrim

“Psipsina emerged from inside the tunic, and jumped up on the table in order to curl up inside the cap, which had…

— Louis de Bernières

“Ah, shit. She’s been crying. This is not good. I swear to God, a girl crying is fucking blackmail. It just makes…

— J.C. McClean

Miss Grantham's sense of humour got the better of her at this point, and, tottering towards a chair, she sank into it,…

— Georgette Heyer

“Very often the test of one's allegiance to a cause or to a people is precisely the willingness to stay the course…

— Christopher Hitchens

“He wanted to start from the top while he knew nothing of the beginning and that was why he was always swimming…

— Luella Christie

“I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to…

— E.A. Bucchianeri

“The rabbit is one of the few animals that (de facto) enjoys screwing: after copulating it does a backward flip and drums…

— Péter Zilahy

“Life is the courier of the universal brilliance." Elysse”

— Elysse Poetis

“Did you just seriously quote Grease? I think I'm gonna have to revoke your man card.”

— Elizabeth Sharp

“I decide to release myself the only way I can imagine: I pee my pants.”

— Phil Torcivia

“You're asking the cyborg fugitive and the wild animal to be the welcoming committee? That's adorable.”

— Marissa Meyer

“Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask. ‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.”

— Doug MacLeod

How could they tell? (on being told that Calvin Coolidge was dead)

— Dorothy Parker

“Heartache makes for good poetry, heartburn not so much.”

— S. Tarr

“Free citizens of the United Kingdom can apparently vote for clowns, but not vote (dressed) as them.”

— Eddie Mair

“Where's Kraven? Is he stalking me too?" His mouth went tight. "I'm not stalking you.”

— Michelle Rowen

Campo, as everyone in chess recognized, had a 2600 rating as a politician.

— Raymond Keene

I like a man with a nice, self-deprecating sense of humour.

— Christina Hendricks

Seeing the funny side of life is useful, and I've always had a sense of humour.

— Henry Allingham

Humour is - how do I say this without sounding pompous - it's a huge part of my life.

— Martin Freeman

“I can't believe she's lived this long. God must be avoiding her.”

— Brian Francis

“Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.”

— Carla H Krueger

No matter how old you are, an empty wrapping paper tube is still a Light Saber. . .

— Anonymous