Humour Quotes · Page 53

“So Basically I'm the Antichrist , and the whole world is fucked because of me" - Jordon Hanson.”

— Barry James

“A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“It just a fun game, until someone starts to win and then everyone else begins to cheat!”

— Andrew James Pritchard

“Cops do this every day, rifling closets and digging through your dildo drawer.”

— David Wong

“Ah, Klaas! Dear Klaas reverted to compost many years ago.”

— David Mitchell

I think the source of SpongeBob's humour is classic, and that's always appealing.

— Stephen Hillenburg

“After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it”

— Spike Milligan

“He was pretty sure he hadn't dozed off as a snake. Usually, he slept like a dog.”

— Rick Riordan

“What if," replied Inspector Fry in the same maddeningly curteous tone, "we were all to construct daisy chains and drape them so…

— Lyndsay Faye

The 7 Funniest Contradictory Words: 1. Clearly Misunderstood, 2. Exact Estimate, 3. Small Crowd, 4. Act Naturally, 5. Found Missing, 6. Fully Empty, 7. Happily Married?

— Pacifiersucker

“I tell myself not to feel sexually threatened. I am of no special interest; he could just as easily be angling for…

— Joe Dunthorne

I've got a sick sense of humour, a dark sense of humour. I do care about things and care about people but…

— Limmy

“Assad: 'I have written it just down here.' He Pointed to a number of Arabic symbols that could just as well have…

— Jussi Adler-Olsen

“It’s late and most of the clerks are at home in their beds, dreaming of swimming in pools filled with real money.”

— Carla H Krueger

“As it turns out, Lot’s wife couldn’t sever her ties with Sodom, and God knew that she had left at least a…

— Spencer C Demetros

“It's chick flick disguised as a sword-and-sorcery picture. The only genre film with less balls is probably... freakin' Legend . Anyone who…

— Ernest Cline

I love religion. I could make up religions all day. I sort of think that in an ideal world I'd like to…

— Neil Gaiman

“It’s like George always says: being in a rock ʼn’ roll band is very sexy, even when you’re only the keyboard player…

— Christopher Russell

“Here’s another big symbol,” she says, still crouched and looking up at me. “These flowers will be rotten in a couple hours.…

— Chuck Palaniuk

“Will laughed. 'I now know why fate linked you with Xav. You are going to tease each other unmercifully.' Victorthrew down a…

— Joss Stirling

“Behind his careful political flippancy and cynicism one might also detect a certain careless sincerity, which would probably in the long run…

— Hector Hugh Munro

“A pair of young mothers now became the centre of interest. They had risen from their lying-in much sooner than the doctors…

— Nancy Mitford

“Whenever a woman tries to put you out of temper, turn the tables, and put HER out of temper instead. They are…

— Wilkie Collins

“Prime numbers are useful for writing codes and in America they are classed as Military Material and if you find one over…

— Mark Haddon

The humour of Dostoievsky is the humour of a barloafer who ties a kettle to a dog's tail.

— W. Somerset Maugham

“All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.”

— Fred Allen

“Ender began to eat, slowly and carefully, pretending not to notice he was the center of attention.”

— Orson Scott Card

Is not the decisive difference between comedy and tragedy that tragedy denies us another chance?

— John Updike

For me it's the funniest show on TV. 'Benidorm' is such old-school, 'Carry On,' panto humour. It's so warm.

— Martin Kemp

The whole [Scotch] nation hitherto has been void of wit and humour, and even incapable of relishing it.

— Horace Walpole

“Does that mean that if we shave all the Ob'enn they'll be nice?”

— Howard Tayler

“You realise you’re going to owe me dinner after this, right?” “How does McDonald’s sound?” “Inadequate.”

— Sarah Mayberry

Humour in its highest reach mingles with pathos: it voices sorrow for our human lot and reconciliation with it.

— Stephen Leacock

There is no accounting for taste and no taste for accounting.

— Kevin Byrne

“Even the world’s greatest actor cannot fake an erection.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“You can't take a crash course in comedy, there is no crash course in comedy.”

— Amit Kalantri

“Tom. Tom, look at me. Has Nora agreed to marry you?" "No, but she will because she has to.”

— Robyn Carr

“I am a ginger tom. I am a boy racer. I am a housewife. I am a pain in the arse.”

— Joan Ellis

I don't want to sound facetious, but humour is the key to the soul. You know what I mean?

— Martin Lawrence

“I had walked all over the fragile bloom of his heart like a Boadicea in Blahniks”

— Tyne O'Connell