Art Buchwald

The things that matter most are not things.

— Art Buchwald

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

— Art Buchwald

This is what makes me happy: Remembering where I put my house keys...

— Art Buchwald

As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.

— Art Buchwald

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

— Art Buchwald

I learned quickly that when I made others laugh, they liked me.

— Art Buchwald

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

— Art Buchwald

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

— Art Buchwald

If President Nixon's secretary, Rosemary Woods, had been Moses' secretary, there would only be eight commandments.

— Art Buchwald

Ascot is so exclusive that it is the only racecourse in the world where the horses own the people.

— Art Buchwald

A humorist has to be taken seriously before he's considered a real writer.

— Art Buchwald

The best way to clean up a son's room is to close the door and pretend it's not part of the house.

— Art Buchwald

Don't commit suicide, because you might change your mind two weeks later.

— Art Buchwald

I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. I may not get there, but I'm going first class.

— Art Buchwald

I'm working when I'm fighting with my wife. I constantly ask myself-how can I use this stuff to literary advantage.

— Art Buchwald

If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

— Art Buchwald

I don't know whether this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I assure you it's the only…

— Art Buchwald

This is what makes me happy: ...Any music-free restaurant ... A grandson who offers to clean the snow off my driveway and…

— Art Buchwald

Unless they've had some experience with it, the hospice is still a mystery to most people. Because hospice deals with death, people…

— Art Buchwald

I earned my stripes as a Marine, and the Corps gets full credit for straightening me out. At 17, I was young,…

— Art Buchwald

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying…

— Art Buchwald

Americans are just beginning to regard food the way the French always have. Dinner is not what you do in the evening…

— Art Buchwald

Writing humor in my column isn't as dangerous as performing it. If I fail in front of a live audience, the humiliation…

— Art Buchwald

When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay. But here I…

— Art Buchwald

“Hunting Down the Secular Humanists" "...What makes them so dangerous is that Secular Humanists look just like you and me. Some of…

— Art Buchwald

And Man created the plastic bag and the tin and aluminum can and the cellophane wrapper and the paper plate, and this…

— Art Buchwald

It was a dangerous profession I had chosen ... because no one likes a funny kid. In fact, adults are scared silly…

— Art Buchwald

Human beings thrive on action. Stagnation does not wear well with us. We are said to have our origins as hunter-gatherers. We…

— Art Buchwald

As my good friend Al Capp told me a few years ago, the best thing to do with a confirmed [hotel] reservation…

— Art Buchwald

Writers are funny about reviews: when they get a good one they ignore it-- but when they get a bad review they…

— Art Buchwald

Put yourself in Hamlet's shoes. Suppose you were a prince, and you came back from college to discover that your uncle had…

— Art Buchwald

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't…

— Art Buchwald

I was put on earth to make people laugh.

— Art Buchwald

On the whole I woke up in the morning and was happy to be alive.

— Art Buchwald

The Marine Corps was the first father figure I had ever known.

— Art Buchwald

I like champagne because it always tastes as though my foot's asleep.

— Art Buchwald

I just don't want to die the same day Castro dies

— Art Buchwald

I became a hero to everyone because I didn't take dialysis and was still alive.

— Art Buchwald

“Dinner is not what you do in the evening before something else. Dinner is the evening.”

— Art Buchwald

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants…

— Art Buchwald