“Any idea why there is a giant penis made out of snow in our front yard?" Instead of an answer, I was… — K.C. Beaumont Copy Share Image
Sometimes, I think the best kind of poem is one in which there is an acute balance between what is humorous and… — N. Scott Momaday Copy Share Image
In Paris they just simply opened their eyes and stared when we spoke to them in French! We never did succeed in… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece… — Axl Rose Copy Share Image
Please don't get me wrong here. I'm not making fun of old people. In fact I think that's the goal of everybody… — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
“Writing a book with completely fictitious characters is like running a democracy, centered around a capital state. You constantly live with the… — Shomprakash Sinha Roy Copy Share Image
Since I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me.… — George Burns Copy Share Image
After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Notes for a ballet, The Spell: ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across… — Woody Allen Copy Share Image
I do sometimes miss doing that lighter, more humorous work, and I find there's a heavier responsibility that goes along with a… — Alison Bechdel Copy Share Image
He was drunk upon the average once a day, and penitent upon an equally fair calculation once a month; and when he… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“When they see the light at the end of the tunnel, some people run towards it. I, however, run from it as… — Stephanie Tom Copy Share Image
Ven you read the speeches in the papers, and see as vun gen'lman says of another, 'the Honourable member, if he vill… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“Being a monk was the strangest and most perverted way of life imaginable. Monks spent half their lives putting themselves through pain… — Ken Follett Copy Share Image
Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize whether it be in church, a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
“I must confess to generally hating sections entitled “how to read this book” and so on. I feel that, if I bought… — Paul Taylor Copy Share Image
“But Rosa soon made the discovery that Miss Twinkleton didn't read fairly. She cut the love-scenes, interpolated passages in praise of female… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
“There is little more I can add short of dissecting the man, or going into intimate details such as the modest proportions… — Félix J. Palma Copy Share Image
I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit… — P. J. O'Rourke Copy Share Image
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Bunny plucked the lit cigarette from Dylan’s lips and slipped it between her own. “Always offer a lady a cigarette after sex.… — Ana B. Good Copy Share Image
“To ask a man whether or not he has a girlfriend is to talk about his sex life. If you disagree with… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into… — Walt Kelly Copy Share Image
There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after… — Helen Rowland Copy Share Image
Dear alcohol, We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter, and a better dancer... I saw the video... we… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Blowpipes and darts——heathen, I call it,” said Mrs. Mitchell. “You are right,” said Poirot, addressing her with a flattering air of being… — Agatha Christie Copy Share Image
Intolerance is the ''Do Not Touch'' sign on something that cannot bear touching. We do not mind having our hair ruffled, but… — Eric Hoffer Copy Share Image
Happy Mother's Day to someone who doesn't care if I marry a man or a woman as long as I give you… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I cannot see how a man of any large degree of humorous perception can ever be religious - unless he purposely shut… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Ann Taylor - great name, great real estate, shitty business. Gap -great name, great real estate, declining business. J.Crew - Hellooo? Great… — Millard Drexler Copy Share Image
“Stop teasing you two,” Suzy jumped in, “not all of Kathy’s ideas are wacky.” “Gee thanks. Was that supposed to be a… — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a… — R. A. Lafferty Copy Share Image
I really like the Observer. I think I'd love to have a column with a broad reach that would enable me to… — Toby Young Copy Share Image
The Japanese have become so smitten with the Western condiment - its texture as silky as a kimono, its tang as understated… — Tom Robbins Copy Share Image
In particular, there was a butler in a blue coat and bright buttons, who gave quite a winey flavour to the table… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
It's difficult to differentiate between a story that's humorous and clever and one that actually makes people laugh out loud. — Mick Foley Copy Share Image
“The older you get, the harder it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have become super… — Sariah Wilson Copy Share Image
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, Their indices bedecked from one to… — Stanislaw Lem Copy Share Image
