Humor Quotes · Page 88

“I did everything Fred did, only backwards and in high heels.”

— Ginger Rogers

“Irony is the sense of humor of fate. From "Just Go" by Twila Vernon”

— Twila Vernon

“Shit!” yelled Arthur as helpfully as he could.”

— Douglas Adams

“Try jogging when following your heart, it's healthier”

— Benny Bellamacina

There isn't a lot I can do on this planet, but I can be funny.

— Leslie Jordan

If people do not laugh it's not comedy.

— Lars von Trier

“If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.”

— George Carlin

I don't get a chance to be funny on camera as often as I would like.

— William Sadler

I don't stalk. I just update myself on what's going on in people's lives.

— Anonymous

It's good Xerox is known for its copying machines, and it's good Jim Carrey is known for comedy.

— Steve Guttenberg

Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor.

— Don Rickles

“You know it's going to be one of those days when the cat uses the carpet as a bum wipe…”

— Hope Barrett

“Jack Woodson is currently living and working in Dallas, TX. He has forty children, and all of them have different mothers.”

— John Pearson

A sad truth I've learned is that I watch a lot less live comedy than I did before it became my job.

— Lolly Adefope

“I once heard a tobacco-chewing hog farmer say that, in Iowa, folks like to spread out their children like dog shit on…

— Andrew Smith

Truly, with a sitcom and the rhythms of comedy... music is so helpful in that area of life.

— Sabrina Carpenter

“Your stepfather? I'd like to meet him." Oh no... why? "I'm not sure that's a good idea." Christian unlocks the door, his…

— E.L. James

“is it just me or does it seem like the gods have a vendetta against us?" Hector "They want us dead" Aricles…

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

I was an only child and I had a mother and father who were just - there wasn't a straight man in…

— Betty White

I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster…

— Mitch Hedberg

“Pompous fools drive me up the wall. Ordinary fools are alright; you can talk to them and try to help them out.…

— Richard P. Feynman

“Crawley, I do trust that you have rung that bell, for if I stand in this disagreeable wind you know I shall…

— Georgette Heyer

It's definitely not true what they say about women wanting a guy with a sense of humour. What women mean is that…

— Seth Rogen

“Nondisclosure agreements and exclusivity agreements. Think like a corporation, lady. They've proven much better at enslaving the masses and pushing home their…

— Joseph Lallo

Comedy is the last refuge of the nonconformist mind

— Gilbert Seldes

“You cant have everything. Where would you put it?”

— Steven Wright

“Think for youself but not because I said so!”

— Nala the two dollar philosopher

“I WANNA CONQUER THE WORLD... or at least the tri-state area.”

— Disney's Phineas and Ferb

A sense of humore makes a girl beautiful

— Brian

Do feminists have a sense of humor? Yes.

— Gloria Allred

To read is human, to review is divine.

— Anonymous

“When you are unemployed, weekends are seven days long.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“But you're not as stupid as they say!... Or are you?”

— Anna Gavalda

“The Rise of the Apps: A Blessing and a Curse”

— Ronen Dancziger

They muddy the water, to make it seem deep.

— Friedrich Nietzsche

“When I travel, I get lovesick. Well, they call it chlamydia.”

— Jimmy Carr

There's a certain truism that you can't be self-conscious in comedy.

— Ari Graynor

“Next time we commit crime, we'll make sure to include him.”

— Rachel Caine

Every actor thinks he can do comedy, and it's not true.

— Denis Leary

“Your Moodswings are kind of giving me whiplash”

— Stephanie Meyer