In the field of snobbery, Australia is an underdeveloped country; even a few British ex-colonies, regarded as under developed in all other… — George Mikes Copy Share Image
I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me,… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
“I’m married, honey. My social life consists of work, church, taxiing the kids around and trying to schedule sex with my husband… — Marilyn Pappano Copy Share Image
“Although, fanciful 's origin circa 1627 made me still love the word, even if I'd ruined its applicability to my connection with… — Rachel Cohn & David Levithan Copy Share Image
“And the minibar in my hotel room was mysteriously emptied." "By arcane forces beyond the understanding of normal human beings?" asked Myfanwy… — Daniel O'Malley Copy Share Image
“He rarely saw a doorway without advancing through it as if he owned it. Since he owned a good many doorways, he… — Eloisa James Copy Share Image
“His relationship with his wife was one of the strangest: they talked till late at night; Bull liked to hold the floor,… — Jack Kerouac Copy Share Image
I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies, so I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time! I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies,… — Denis Leary Copy Share Image
“A diamond may be forever, but terrorism, promiscuously funded, will be too. Let's make the connection clearly by tracing the path of… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
“From what I see, there are only two types of pack members--the hierarchy who are power hungry and the peons who are… — Roxanne Smolen Copy Share Image
I don't find the same things funny that many other people seem to find funny. I don't really respond to sex jokes… — Nicolas Cage Copy Share Image
The first thing I do in the editing room is the 'radio edit,' where you listen to the dialogue and don't even… — Jay Chandrasekhar Copy Share Image
Books come at my call and return when I desire them; they are never out of humor and they answer all my… — Petrarch Copy Share Image
“We don't know much about our hero before 325 BCE-he just sort of materialized out of thin air like a face-melting UFO… — Ben Thompson Copy Share Image
Non-comprehenders are often distressed. Not you, though-because with good humor you're blessed. After all, your thoughts went like this, I dare say:… — Albert Einstein Copy Share Image
I think a good comedian was probably bullied a little bit. Probably felt doughy and oblong and rhombus-shaped and strange and a… — Pete Holmes Copy Share Image
“But Herod had already murdered at least two of his sons as though they were enemies. Caesar had made a joke about… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Humanity’s first faster-than-light spacecraft crashed into Pluto and vaporised a significant portion of it. Oops. Pluto’s status as a planet had been… — L. G. Estrella Copy Share Image
“I came here thinking I was going to win this war and come on home in no time at all. Now I… — Kirby Larson Copy Share Image
Other cars on the highway driven by believers will suddenly be out of control and stark pandemonium will occur on... every highway… — Jerry Falwell Copy Share Image
My way of dealing with not really fitting in at my very crappy New England high school and junior high was to… — Susanna Fogel Copy Share Image
Passion and kindness are the most attractive qualities. Sense of humour is up there, but kindness becomes more important as you get… — Roisin Conaty Copy Share Image
“While the Roman Empire was overrun by waves not only of Ostrogoths, Vizigoths and even Goths, but also of Vandals (who destroyed… — W.C. Sellar Copy Share Image
“Some people’s routines are so consistent, their shits are the same. Dammit, if you’ve been pooping the same smooth shits for a… — Karl Kristian Flores Copy Share Image
“ Are you in any way qualified? Yes? No? It doesn't matter. In America, "Qualification" is simply an attitude. I've adopted it.… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I'd always used humour as a weapon, as a protection. But being able to make people laugh is a way of not… — Michelle Gomez Copy Share Image
For a lot of comics who aren't as silly or physical but more intellectual, we get looked at as 'alt comics.' No,… — Amanda Seales Copy Share Image
“Something round and dirty and white was resting near my foot. It was a skull. I picked it up. ‘Is that you,… — Ben Aaronovitch Copy Share Image
“A series of howls and war cries echoed through the camp…The werewolves and Japanese had attacked." -pg.353 Forbidden Nights with a Vampire… — Kerrelyn Sparks Copy Share Image
“This was our last night. We only had one curtain call, Bree. And I thought they were going to give us a… — Mary Stanton Copy Share Image
“You are a wise man, Major, and I will consider your advice with great care—and humility." He finished his tea and rose… — Helen Simonson Copy Share Image
“God knows I had not wanted to fall in love with her. I had not wanted to fall in love with any… — Ernest Hemingway Copy Share Image
“I think that you could have used your vast intellect far more usefully by serving mankind instead of stealing it. -Mycroft "Where's… — Jasper Fforde Copy Share Image
“I'm glad my condo was furnished. Because, how do you buy a couch? I have no idea. This grown-up thing isn’t for… — Sarah Addison Allen Copy Share Image
“Let me guess, Jessie. You ran across some poor woman in the park who had the misfortune of wearing a gown that… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
“Carisoprodol. Comes in a white tablet like a big-ass vitamin, 350 mg of muscle liquefier for those tense, recovering athletes and furniture… — Craig Clevenger Copy Share Image
If I'm saying a universal truth, but maybe it's something that people don't feel comfortable saying... It's a strange take, but at… — Vince Vaughn Copy Share Image
“I'm going to imagine that converstion now. 'Hi, Mom, it's me. I ran away to Paris with a stranger I met under… — Rosanne Parry Copy Share Image
I've got a great sense of humor, and if I'm able to say or do something in a movie that people feel… — Matthew McConaughey Copy Share Image
“He's crazy," Bruno said, twirling a finger in circles around the side of his head and whistling to indicate just how crazy… — John Boyne Copy Share Image
