Humor Quotes · Page 79

“Time,” said Arthur weakly, “is not currently one of my problems.”

— Douglas Adams

“The great thing about knowing stuff is that anyone can do it.”

— Ken Jennings

Humor is the only way to tell a story. Especially the dark ones.

— Lisa Lutz

“No. Don't distract me with your sexy talk.”

— Rachel Hawkins

“I’m not bipolar, I’ve just had a bipolar life foisted upon me.”

— Daniel O'Malley

Kim's [Kardashian] just a funny person in general.

— Kanye West

“To call it helmet hair was an insult to my helmet.”

— Jessica Fortunato

“For large values of 1, 1 approaches 2, for small values of 2.”

— Keith Caserta

“Into each life a little rain must fall, but in my case, does it always have to be a hailstorm?”

— Loreen Finn

“Violet: "You're an asshole." Onyx: "Thank you, it's something that took an eternity to perfect.”

— Jessica Shirvington

I think you're born with a comedy gene, and you can't teach timing, and you can't teach satire, pathos.

— Brad Garrett

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

— Woody Allen

“It is in the midst of laughter that our perspective alters and we realize this trying life can still be enjoyed.”

— Richelle E. Goodrich

Humor was also a defense mechanism from getting picked on at school. If I could be funny maybe people wouldn't bother me.

— Pandora Boxx

“I do not do free e-books. I occasionally like to eat that thing you people call "food".”

— Carla H Krueger

“A brick and a blanket together create a blick. That’s it. That’s all I got.”

— Amy Riekhof

“They were even talking about buying a bodyguard, can you believe it? I mean, what on earth would I look like, turning…

— Sophie Kinsella

“There were three of them, three police cars left askew across the road in a way that transcended mere parking. It sent…

— Douglas Adams

“In life there are heads and there are tails however when one starts to excrete thoughts out of the latter and proceed…

— Ryan Cayne

“What men always seem to ignore is that until Eve arrived, Adam didn't even have his own apartment. He'd never tasted beer,…

— Bruce Cameron

The health benefits, both mental and physical, of humor are well documented. A good laugh can diffuse tension, relieve stress, and release…

— Cherie Carter-Scott

“[Will Turner] "You didn't beat me. You ignored the rules of engagement." [Captain Jack Sparrow] "...that's not much incentive for me to…

— Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio

I'm saying that I'm a moody, insecure, narrow-minded, jealous, borderline homicidal bitch, and I want you to promise me that you're okay…

— Jeaniene Frost

“I slipped on a turtleneck, laughing when my head became stuck in the turtle part. If they weren't called turtlenecks, I wouldn't…

— Augusten Burroughs

“This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.”

— George V. Higgins

“I remind you that I have no faith. If I sought God, I find myself.”

— Henry de Montherlant

Life is a bitch, then you marry one.

— Anonymous

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

— Artie Lange

“I’ll show you a fag, you little bitch. I’ll fuck-start your head!”

— C.J. Roberts

A sense of humor can make someone more attractive.

— Anonymous

“I’m too big of a fan of sin and debauchery to be a Christian.”

— J.C. Wickhart

Comedy is only as stupid as you are smart.

— Brian Celio

Improvisation is just writing in front of an audience.

— Carl Reiner

“ I wax poetic On the beauty of sewers Real short poem. Done ”

— Rick Riordan

I was open to anything, but comedy was what I really loved.

— Sam Lloyd

“Failure is just success rounded down, my friend!”

— Ryan North

I graduated from Improv Olympic. I used to do standup comedy.

— Redfoo

“You ought to sue that son of a whore”

— Stephen King

“Graveyards were the one place Belladonna never saw ghosts.”

— Helen Stringer

“Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it.”

— Elias Schwartz