Humor Quotes · Page 78

“A WOMAN'S PLACE IS IN THE HOUSE...AND THE SENATE.”

— Kristin Hannah

I have great faith in fools - self-confidence my friends will call it.

— Anonymous

“Those pizzas I ate were for medicinal purposes.”

— Amy Neftzger

“Crud. What was she supposed to do? Protect herself or the pretzels?”

— Stephanie Rowe

“It is the heart that is unsure of its God that is afraid to laugh.”

— George MacDonald

“Aunt Beulah could hear the dust moats collide in a sunbeam.”

— Wendell Berry

I pray to the shrine of 'Mr. Show.' It saved sketch comedy.

— Michael McKean

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

— Steven Wright

I am a gifted absent-minded person who honks the horn at speed breakers / speed bumps.

— Mohit Sharma

What you end up with is outrageousness without the laugh - comedy as electro shock therapy.

— Lenny Bruce

I'd have more money than Bill Gates if I could invent a snooze button for bladders.

— Rock Cowles

I always say to Blake Griffin that he has a better comedy career than I do.

— Neal Brennan

“Yesterday is a pile of rubble. Today is a pile of opportunity. Life takes a new dump each morning”

— Ryan Lilly

She's 80 my nan, what do you want for your birthday? "SHREDDER!! GET ME A SHREDDER!!", what do you want a shredder…

— Russell Howard

I find intelligence sexy. I find a sense of humor sexy. I find sensitivity sexy.

— Nicole Appleton

“Basically, everyone thinks--knows--how sweet I am. Emma, you threw my sister through hurricane-proof glass.”

— Anna Banks

I think for me, the best comedy comes from when something feels real and genuine, so even though Miranda is this wacky…

— Colleen Ballinger

“Jules lips quivered, and I feared she was about to cry. Then she asked, “He bit off more than he could chew,…

— Laura Kreitzer

Criticism is hard for me but people find hard to believe because they think I'm very tough, very strident, that I tell…

— Ani DiFranco

“The Necrotelicomnicon was written by a Klatchian necromancer known to the world as Achmed the Mad, although he preferred to be called…

— Terry Pratchett

“Standing exposed on a rooftop, with no railing and the wind whipping about him, threatening to pull him flailing and screaming to…

— Matt Forbeck

When I was a kid, among the other embarrassing things I would do, and there's a list of stupid things, but I…

— J. J. Abrams

What President of the Airline is doing is, he's urging everyone to give up their frequent flyer miles for sick kids... But…

— David Cross

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give…

— Tim Vine

Carry laughter with you wherever you go.

— Hugh Sidey

I was never really comfortable doing comedy.

— Ricky Schroder

“You can quote me, but I'll tell everyone that you're lying.”

— Jael Turner

“Goodness had nothing to do with it.”

— Mae West

“My undercarriage is a national treasure.”

— Gina Damico

SNL' is pretty much what fully got me into comedy.

— Quinta Brunson

“If bliss are a type of potato, then ignorance can be french-fried”

— josh stern

“... Play the age as comedy if you want to get away with murder.”

— James Agee

If you want to be witty, say what you think at all times

— Oscar Wilde

Life is neither comedy or tragedy, life is what you make of it.

— Radha Mitchell

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to someone else.”

— Will Rogers

Oh, well, my first love is comedy or singing and dancing.

— Dick Van Dyke

“In sooth, thy life sounds passing strange and shitty.”

— Austin Grossman

“He who smiles in a crisis; has fund someone to blame.”

— Anonymous

Shirley and Griffey get along like a rattler and a parrot.

— Jerry Coleman

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

— Jerry Seinfeld