Humor Quotes · Page 395

The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is its about 50 weeks too short.

— Jarod Kintz

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

— Mitch Hedberg

“Crazy people who are judged to be harmless are allowed an enormous amount of freedom ordinary people are denied”

— Katherine Paterson

I was always humorous by nature but, maybe, no one noticed it. Or, maybe, I looked just too intense or serious to…

— Abhinav Bindra

Laughter is the best medicine, daily dose of laughter keeps you active, your mind fresh and most of all makes you happy.

— Anonymous

“I had a dream about you last night. It wasn't until after you sold me the talking car, I realized you were…

— Michael Summers

I guess the essence of my comedy is to get into a very abnormal situation but act like it's normal.

— Fred Willard

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

— Chic Murray

“Do you remember what we just did? Please tell me you remember what we just did." She briefly toyed with the idea…

— Dianna Hardy

Comedy is a difficult thing for a critic, as, unlike all other art-forms, it has an inbuilt success-o-meter: laughter. Therefore, there's no…

— David Baddiel

I didn't know I was cool, but I was very flattered that some of the younger comedy writers came up to talk…

— Bob Newhart

“THE EARL OF Hythe, who took a great deal of pride in the fact that he had never succumbed to the awkward…

— Emma Jensen

The best advice I could give someone trying to get into the comedy field is to take advantage of every opportunity you…

— Bob Newhart

“His adopted dad is white and Jewish, giving him full access to black jokes, white jokes, and Jewish jokes. “You’re so lucky,”…

— Kenny Porpora

“I hereby vow to take any and all death threats at face value, unless you are, in fact, trying to flirt with…

— Kiersten White

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the…

— Bill Bailey

He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas of any man I ever met.

— Abraham Lincoln

“Pheromones didn't care about tomorrow. They didn't care about education or employment or age.”

— Tracy Brogan

“Love is nothing because those who do something for the love of it do it for nothing.”

— Mark Forsyth

“Really?" I say. "Can you be any more conceited?" He nods. "Yes. Yes, I can.”

— Wendy Mills

Prostitutes are way better than marriage. Why buy a whole cow, when you only want a glass of milk?

— Anonymous

Comedy is harder than drama, because with comedy you're expecting a result..you make them laugh. [If] they ain't laughing then you're screwed.

— Billy Bob Thornton

“You will be so dead, dear Sister. Make telpon dari tadi kayak Kroasia ada di sebelah Jakarta aja. Huahahaha”

— Sitta Karina

“My heart is so light, I think it might be made out of air. It might float up and escape through the…

— Robin York

“What's the difference between depression and South America? If you really had to, you could conquer South America.”

— Doug Westberg

“If the Super Bowl is the ultimate game, how come there is another one next year?”

— Duane Thomas

“I sometimes think if I did not write I would be a madwoman. Now I am a sane woman with a lot…

— Kendall Hailey

“Used a replica gun to steal a replica sportscar and experienced a replica of remorse”

— Steve Aylett

“The whole damn century would've made more sense backwards. Where we ended is worse than where we began.”

— Rebecca Makkai

I'm not a natural comedian, as an artist. I studied comedy growing up. I would watch Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy and Martin…

— Brandon T. Jackson

I'm actually into the idea of doing stand-up comedy, as a joke. You know how people do karaoke for fun? Well it…

— Keeley Hazell

“Can you believe the man rhymed 'Rumplestiltskin' with 'crumpled napkins'?”

— Christopher Healy

“Im sorry it's just a little case of PMS that's all...Im just one big emotional wreck...Could you guys go get me some…

— Shawn Wayans

“What do you think of Christmas?" "I like it," she said. "I think we should have it every year.”

— Liz Flaherty

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

— Oscar Levant

My feeling is there is always that possibility for humour in tragedy. In life they go together.

— Tara Fitzgerald

Denzel Washington has a great sense of humor. He did all those 'Nutty Professor' movies.

— Seth MacFarlane

My humour has always come from anger, but I have to make sure I don't just get angry and jump on a…

— Carl Hiaasen

“Love and lust are friends together,but love alone is not friend with lust.”

— T.s

I prefer that laughter shall take me unawares. Only so can it master and dissolve me.

— Max Beerbohm