Jeff Dunham

“You're the other white meat!”

— Jeff Dunham

I'm a geek to the bone.

— Jeff Dunham

“Jef-f, Dun-Ham, dot com!!”

— Jeff Dunham

“Silence! I kill you!”

— Jeff Dunham

I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.

— Jeff Dunham

“Jeff: There's a lot of history in this city... Peanut: Translated: Old. As. Shit. ”

— Jeff Dunham

“That afternoon I ordered an information packet.”

— Jeff Dunham

It's a survival thing. I don't do anything to be artistic or just because I like it.

— Jeff Dunham

“Shut up or i'll kill you by Achmed the dead tarries.”

— Jeff Dunham

The roadwork is just rehearsal for that DVD you're going to film a year later.

— Jeff Dunham

There's nothing better for a comedian than adversity.

— Jeff Dunham

“Look, I know I didn't finish school but that frickin' says 'Sa ntah ah nah!”

— Jeff Dunham

When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in…

— Jeff Dunham

“Achmed: Two Jews walk into a bar... Jeff: No no no no no Achmed: You don't let Jews in your bar? You…

— Jeff Dunham

I'm a Macintosh nut. I got my PowerBook, so if I'm not writing jokes, I'm working on that.

— Jeff Dunham

But the mechanics of learning to 'throw your voice' are pretty simple. Anyone with a tongue, an upper palate, teeth, and a…

— Jeff Dunham

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's…

— Jeff Dunham

“Achmed 'Two Jews walk into a bar' No no no no no' Jeff You don't let Jews in your bar? You racist…

— Jeff Dunham

“Oh, so how did the marrige counsling go? Well let's just say after it was over there where two people who thought…

— Jeff Dunham

Growing up, I thought it would be great if I could do big theaters. Now we're doing arenas.

— Jeff Dunham

When I was in third grade I taught myself ventriloquism... What's hard is to learn to be an entertainer and make people…

— Jeff Dunham

In 1980, when I graduated from high school, my goal was to be on 'The Tonight Show' with Johnny Carson at least…

— Jeff Dunham

I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to…

— Jeff Dunham

It's amazing how these little guys can say things that a mortal human could never get away with. There's some sort of…

— Jeff Dunham

My mother and my father have always supported me. Now in their eighties, they actually clamor onto the tour bus with me…

— Jeff Dunham

I love touring, I love doing the live show and it's just like a musical artist, you just keep coming up with…

— Jeff Dunham

Every character I've had in my act - none of them have a similar creation story. I actually thought up Peanut and…

— Jeff Dunham

If people are still buying tickets, and still buying the DVDs, and they're still watching on YouTube and my fifteen minutes of…

— Jeff Dunham

I was a kid in the third grade ... saw a dummy in the toy store. In the '60s and '70s there…

— Jeff Dunham

“Jeff: You know most people who've had near death experiances say they say a white light. What did you see? Akmed: I…

— Jeff Dunham

I've tried the female thing. I was in a movie called Dinner for Schmucks a couple of years ago with Steve Carell…

— Jeff Dunham

“Jose: Do not drop me senor Jeff:i wont drop you,jose Jose:then i be jose jalapeno on the floor Peanut:do a little tap…

— Jeff Dunham

I don't think I am very easy to work for because everything has to be just right or we don't put it…

— Jeff Dunham

“Jeff: I understand you guys had a good day today? Peanut: Yes we had a great day! Jose: No we did not.…

— Jeff Dunham

“jose jaliopinio on a stick" do you like bmw's (big mexican weman)”

— Jeff Dunham

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

— Jeff Dunham

“Peanut: Come here puppet boy... make your daddy talk!”

— Jeff Dunham

I think all the garbage in the world is thanks to a very small handful of idiots.

— Jeff Dunham

As humans we like to laugh at our fears, we like to whistle in the dark.

— Jeff Dunham

I try to make the majority of my audience laugh.

— Jeff Dunham