“Classroom Activities 1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas . Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia !” — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
“The man kisses me and I just hop right on him like he's the hottest new ride at Disneyland.” — Karen Marie Moning Copy Share Image
“The rats we met the size of small dogs and they watched us go by like they'd figured out that what People… — Sarah Monette Copy Share Image
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
“A comedian's life is truly a comedy in itself. The majority cannot take themselves seriously.” — Mwanandeke Kindembo Copy Share Image
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now. — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
I'm not the guy with the enormous comedy nose or the big feet or the bad posture or the whatever; a physical… — Dick Cavett Copy Share Image
“In a desperate attempt to stay young forever we have achieved eternal childishness, rather than eternal youth.” — Daniel Prokop Copy Share Image
“Alex landed on my carefully laid trap. "Pay up Prince Yummy." The nickname burst out of my mouth as I mentally screamed… — Nichole Chase Copy Share Image
Every time I do a movie like 'Finding Neverland' or 'Chocolat' or 'Shakespeare' in Love,' we deal with the creative process, but… — Harvey Weinstein Copy Share Image
People probably perceive me as a bit boring because I am a little slow in the humor department, but it's just hard… — Yolanda Hadid Copy Share Image
Well, I have since seen you at Tinkle. It's a comedy show started by David Cross, me and Jon Benjamin. It features… — Todd Barry Copy Share Image
“Twittering just seemed to be people telling other people what they were doing--getting in the shower, making coffee. Who on earth wanted… — Kate Atkinson Copy Share Image
“Looks like Faye's doing a little extracurricular activity," a voice behind her murmured, and Cassie turned gratefully. Nick nodded at the guy… — L.J. Smith Copy Share Image
I think that when you’re doing a comedy and it makes you laugh, there’s a certain… like you can reject it, and… — Michael Pena Copy Share Image
“Leonard also got a special color-commentary on his surgery by God himself: “On the other side communication is done via telepathy (thought… — John Burke Copy Share Image
“Listen, last time I talked to you three, you were all two oars short of having any oars, so I don't want… — James Riley Copy Share Image
“Shall we go?' he murmured, perhaps regretting his decision to show me his army of plastic cartoon figurines.” — Jon Ronson Copy Share Image
“My Corolla, sorry to report, was mortally wounded in the attack. There were no funeral plans at this time.” — Heather Webber Copy Share Image
“I'd tell him to go to hell, but it just so happens I'm stuck there and don't want to have to see… — Jill Shalvis Copy Share Image
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer. — Robin Williams Copy Share Image
It's difficult to differentiate between a story that's humorous and clever and one that actually makes people laugh out loud. — Mick Foley Copy Share Image
The public knows me through my life, which is not comical. But I feel very at home in comedy. — Dana Reeve Copy Share Image
If your plan A doesnt work, dont sweat it. The alphabet has 25 more letters. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I've heard that hard work never killed anyone, but I say why take the chance?” — Ronald Reagan Copy Share Image
“I like cars the way I like my men. I pick them up, grab the stick, and drive them hard down the… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“No matter what my fucking last words were, please say they were these: 'I have always known that the pursuit of excellence… — John Irving Copy Share Image
Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button. — Bill Engvall Copy Share Image
“Well, fella, as much as I’d like to stick something up your ass, it ain’t gonna be my finger or anything else… — A. Violet End Copy Share Image
“Whenever he was asked what somebody had died of he'd reply (with immense gravity), "Lack of breath.” — Aminatta Forna Copy Share Image
Tempted to type meaningless twaddle all the time on Twitter...with alliteration, no less! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Whatever happened to “In victory, magnanimity; in defeat, defiance.” So said Frederick the Great.” — George Carlin Copy Share Image
“She wore a pendent - a glittering D - possibly her initial, or her grade average.” — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
If you don't have humour, then you may as well nail the coffin lid down now. — Roger Moore Copy Share Image
“I love seeing other channels counterprogram the Super Bowl. PBS: "DAMN RIGHT we're airing a new 'Masterpiece Classic'! Fuck off, sports!” — Tara Ariano Copy Share Image
“If life hands you lemons... make lemonade. Then... try to find someone to whom life has handed vodka...” — Les Edgerton Copy Share Image
When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for a living — Helen Rowland Copy Share Image
“I DON’T have EX’s! I have Y’s. Like ‘Y the hell did I date you?!’ -Kevin Hart” — Kevin Hart Copy Share Image
Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny. — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
My comedy is about nothing. I do it because I feel less inadequate on stage moving about than I do off stage… — Lee Evans Copy Share Image
