Humor Quotes · Page 396

“What is with these guys? Where's the thrill in watching snakes eat? I certainly didn't thrill in watching humans eat.”

— Patrick Jennings

The two worst enemies of comedy are lack of sleep and not having had a decent meal.

— Bill Bailey

“That's the best revenge of all: happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone have a good fricken life.”

— Chuck Palahniuk

Humor connects us, especially in politics. It's a way of surprising one another with shared context and experience.

— Jon Lovett

I find Donald Trump to be very kind and generous. I find him to have a great sense of humor.

— Kellyanne Conway

“On Atheism – One man’s religion is another man’s superstition and, when you’re an atheist, they’re all superstitions.”

— Marsha Hinds

Give women the vote, and in five years there will be a crushing tax on bachelors.

— George Bernard Shaw

“Never dance according to the tune of music played by your oppressors. Pray to have enough courage, grace to be tolerant and…

— Lailah Gifty Akita

You get work however you get work, but keep people keep working in a freelance world (and more and more of todays…

— Neil Gaiman

“Some people will each start investing more of their salary on ‘their’ house and spending less of it on ‘their’ car or…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

“Talon, Bracy; I give you my word, I will tie your ankles together with a cord and force you to walk together…

— Nicole Sager The Heart of Arcrea

“I understand we'll be attending your friend Miss Worthington's Christmas ball. Perhaps I'll find a suitable-- which is to say wealthy-- wife…

— Libba Bray

“In this nasty-ass strip club bathroom full of pissing dudes and possible rogue ejaculators, Shades is no longer some guy I love…

— Kendall Grey

“Kat and I talked about Jacob in our own private code. "Are you baking cookies yet?" she said. That was standard for…

— Tiffanie DeBartolo

I'm struck by how laughter connects you with people. It's almost impossible to maintain any kind of distance or any sense of…

— John Cleese

Apparently they're going to bring in 'Super Asbos'. But 'Asbos' already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour.…

— Frankie Boyle

As an actor, when you're doing comedies, you're around fantastic, funny people and you hopefully have a really good time doing it.

— Ari Graynor

I am a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned.

— Ogden Nash

Life is a huge farce, and the advantage of possessing a sense of humour is that it enables one to defy fate…

— George Gissing

“The Dark Ages are alive and secretly thriving like a herpes infection among us.”

— Juilette Fay

Its consistency of what comedy can do and what comedy can be.Growing up with that show [The Simpsons] shaped my worldview.

— Eric Andre

If I can delay your action with my inaction, then Ill gladly do nothing for the good of the no good.

— Jarod Kintz

“If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”

— Johnny Carson

“Pine: "Okay, Ylvana is sometimes selfish." Ylvana: "…but?" Pine: "Huh? Oh, no that was it.”

— A.L. Exley

Self-deprecating humour is a common form of comedy and it helps get the audience on side because you're being vulnerable.

— Alex Brooker

“Tiddlywinks, tiddlywinks, I want to play tiddlywinks," chanted Ramona, shaking her head back and forth.”

— Beverly Cleary

I don't have to fear that if I do more comedy I'm not going to get to do everything I want. I'll…

— Ari Graynor

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's…

— Henny Youngman

“Did you ever notice how the words Attention and Alienation look the same when you are staring at them from a distance?”

— Alisia Compton

“A simple mistake…can tell me what you’re not, or it can remind me of why I should love you.” (404 Error=Page Not…

— Renny Gleeson TEDTalks

“A dutiful wife enables a good man to add her hands to his own for self-applause.”

— Tom Morrison

“City's gripped in panic again,' I tell Harry. 'It must be a Tuesday,' he responds...”

— Jennifer Harlow

I hate to say it but I hate black humor. I feel like a Klan member saying it, but it's just not…

— Issa Rae

“I had a dream about you last night... you kept meowing at people and licking yourself it was not unlike you normally.”

— Nicole McKay

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as scared of me.

— Emo Philips

“I'm Kieran. You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room,”

— Jayde Scott

“I'd like to thank my parents for making this night possible. And my children for making it necessary.”

— Victor Borge

“It was like someone in a suit walked up to me and gave me a certificate, which stated “Roxanne Giselle Logan, Your…

— Kristen Ashley

I think comedy, so much of it comes out of the strange sort of golden instant 'cause you don't know why it's…

— Alice Lowe

“Your neck smells like cheese,' I said. 'Oh,' He said, 'that's my cheese cologne. I have a whole selection. Chedder, American, Swiss.”

— Kristin Walker