“Politics is scripted for maximum shock that will lead to gossip and speculation. We are living in a sketch comedy zone. Everything… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Mounting anything on a plaque instantly transforms it from trash into an award. For example, a dry disposable pen goes from junk… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Elevators are supposed to smell like urine. That's what make the jazz playing through the overhead speakers sound more authentic.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Compact trash into a cube. Then slice it into thin layers and BOOM—you’ve got pieces of modern art. Each sliver belongs in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When you perform too well, you get punished by winning. This feeling is transitory, and after the celebration is over, all you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
If you work in a hospital, you cant easily fake call in sick to work. Oh, you're sick? Well why dont you… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Walk around with an open can of tuna in your pocket. You know, for a way to start conversations and offer strangers… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Don't miss work and never be late. Your boss will appreciate it, and he will reward you by shaking your hand in… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, scapegoat… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to invent a Laughometer, a device to measure and gauge humor, which would be used for comedians. And politicians.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I want to laugh hysterically into a bucket of water, have my humor imprinted on each water molecule and then drink the… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I'm a duck farmer. Am I the world's best duck farmer? Probably not, but there's no official ranking, and I'm a modest… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“When traveling, most people want fast and safe. But if slow and dangerous is your thing, have you considered a hot-air balloon?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Something can be humorous without being funny. The difference is when it’s humorous, a person says, “That’s funny,” and when it’s funny,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. Thats why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine. — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“Yesterday I played a round of golf. I just kept hitting the ball in circles, but never getting it in the circles… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I went through and underlined all the funny lines in his book, and by the time I was done, I had underlined… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“U2 makes music for guys who have ears and can hear. But U2 makes concert imagery for guys who need visual stimulation… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I don't let my spaghetti dangle, or twirl it around my fork. I cut it. Of course, my preferred slicing utensil is… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share Image
“I notice when you’re gone. Or do I? How can I observe something that isn’t there?” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A blanket could be used to make sweet, sweet music with the love of your life. Hopefully that person is me, because I’ve been… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“A brick could be used to slow down time. Sort of like a camel in a wheelchair pushed by a thirsty Arab. Hey, Khalid,… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I hid Mrs. Frozenwater’s body in the ice cube trays in my freezer. Better to keep her there than let her memory thaw out… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Two similar words might lead to two similar ideas. They might also lead to the basement, which I recently converted into a dungeon/torture chamber.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Nothing is and isn’t; nothing is and isn’t—nothing itself is, and at the same time, nothing isn’t.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“Orafoura once told me that if I were a car, I’d be a Ferrari. One that was scratched smashed, rusted, and stolen.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“What makes a good leader? I ask myself this every day, and then as I begin to list off characteristics I realize I’m describing… — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
“I’d like to file a missing person’s report—on my clone. It’s nearly 2012. He should have been here by now.” — Jarod Kintz Copy Share
