Humor Quotes by Jarod Kintz

“I have three sets of humor. One I keep in a bag of salt, because it’s the dry one.
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— Jarod Kintz

“You know what’s not funny? Funny bones. No, at best they are only mildly amusing.”

— Jarod Kintz

The only problem with politicians taking two week vacations every year is its about 50 weeks too short.

— Jarod Kintz

“I own an Opinion Farm. I give away my produce for FREE.”

— Jarod Kintz

“It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy night. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.”

— Jarod Kintz

“There are levels of humor. The level above mine is invisible and inaudible.”

— Jarod Kintz

“A porcupine has fur like a fence. That makes it a good neighbor unto itself.”

— Jarod Kintz

Im at the top of my game. And that game is Monopoly. Im standing on the board right now.

— Jarod Kintz

I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot.…

— Jarod Kintz

If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, thats just what Ill do. Its this kind of regard for…

— Jarod Kintz

“Of all the things God created, from sunrises and rainbows, to black holes and humor, cats are the most fascinating to me.
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— Jarod Kintz

“If you are an aspiring honey farmer, I have a documentary you NEED to watch. It's called The Beekeeper, and it stars…

— Jarod Kintz

“Ducks like balloons. Think about THAT next time your child has a birthday party and you choose to not invite all of…

— Jarod Kintz

“Money is flowing past you all the time like an invisible breeze. The trick is to get some to slide into your…

— Jarod Kintz

“Only Bob Dylan knows which of his songs belong in the trash and which belong in the garbage. I’m so ignorant, I’d…

— Jarod Kintz

“Your cooking reminds me of a Special Olympics race. Reminds me of the time I came in third place. I should have…

— Jarod Kintz

“Only men who have crouched in the trenches under heavy machine gun fire, and then rose as one to charge the perceived…

— Jarod Kintz

“I had a dream about you. You sold canned laughter, and I sold fresh laughter, straight out of my throat. You sold…

— Jarod Kintz

“If laughter came in paste format you could squeeze out of a tube, I’ll bet nine out of ten dentists would recommend…

— Jarod Kintz

“There’s nothing funny about war. Well, aside from this joke Orafoura told me: What did WWI say to WWII? I wish I…

— Jarod Kintz

“I wanted to write something that made no linear sense. None. Zero. Something that was 87% pure nonsense, 12% pure alcohol, and…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library.
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— Jarod Kintz

“The Whisper Factory is now hiring! Report your grandma for suspicious behavior and get PAID!”

— Jarod Kintz

“My ballsack contains Future People. I’m holding a Meet ‘N’ Greet this Saturday in Branson.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Secure victory before you celebrate. Only a fool dances before crossing the finish line first.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Most salesmen are no-nonsense guys. But I’m not like them. I’m the #1 nonsense salesman in all of Camelot.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Coaching 101: First you build the team, and then you build the torture chamber for underperformers.”

— Jarod Kintz

“There are many ways to kill someone. I prefer laughter, and doing it slowly, over the course of 70 years or so.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.”

— Jarod Kintz

“Abstain from reading comedy or other government economic statistics.”

— Jarod Kintz

“I don’t use coarse humor, but occasionally I’ll joke about intercourse—between midget siblings.”

— Jarod Kintz

If sex were shoes, I'd wear you out. But I wouldn't wear you out in public.

— Jarod Kintz

My two favorite colors of the rainbow are gold and leprechaun.

— Jarod Kintz

If I can delay your action with my inaction, then Ill gladly do nothing for the good of the no good.

— Jarod Kintz

“I take humor very seriously. I also take it three times a day, with meals.”

— Jarod Kintz

“College is a scam. Why go into debt to get no job when you could be unemployed for FREE?”

— Jarod Kintz

“I'm running late, but there's always time to scribble weird messages in guest signage books. Also, am I really late? The Catholic…

— Jarod Kintz

I went to a football game once and got punched in the face, but you couldnt tell because I was already sitting…

— Jarod Kintz

“In high school, I was on the carpentry team, but I got benched. It was awkward sitting on it while my teammates…

— Jarod Kintz

“I’ll steal bodies, not to be Corporal Corpse, but to have access to a never-ending supply of laughter still left over in…

— Jarod Kintz