When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
My father was a really good athlete, so his pop-ups really were sky high. Eventually I learned how to judge them properly… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you're laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy.… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
It's weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can't be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We've got to figure out… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
