You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
To tell you the truth, there are all these websites predicting my early death, and it's starting to work on me! — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
When I got on Stern I realized that this was the one job where you could be really honest and open, almost… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine. Like, if Jerry Seinfeld wasn't funny, you'd… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
People are so nice, you know. It's such a credit to Howard Stern - the audience base that he created is such… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
You know you're on stage being the life of the party and trying to get laughs, and then, in a lot of… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
The road is a lonely place, and that sounds like a cliche, you know, like what is my life? — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like,… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
All I can say is that you only realize how big your mountain is once you're laying motionless, helpless, and hopeless in… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
It is funny because the guy who is my boss now, Howard Stern, has a similarity there. He got big being a regular guy.… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
It's weird because standup can be like therapy. Comedians can't be satisfied with just having fun with our friends. We've got to figure out… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
A-Rod wants to be like Babe Ruth. And people don't realize this, he's a lot like Babe Ruth. Before the playoffs a couple of… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
By the time I am Howard's age I hope to be long retired. I don't plan on working that long. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
Richard Lewis has this incredible ability to look like he's just... you know it's an act that's been honed. What you have to do… — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
In Hollywood, there is another name for a woman's 40th birthday party, it's a retirement party. — Artie Lange Copy Share Image
