I'd love to write a book called 'How to Raise a Virgin.' Seriously, I think a book about that would sell. — Bert Kreischer Book Copy Share Image
I think I've got the coolest friends in the entire world, I really do. — Bert Kreischer Coolest Copy Share Image
If there's an adrenaline rush, I will find it; if there's an anxiety attack, I will have it. — Bert Kreischer Adrenaline Copy Share Image
I really respect those guys that get $250,000 for punching up scripts, because it's an art form. — Bert Kreischer Art Copy Share Image
I love going on other people's podcasts - in my opinion not enough people ask me to be guests! — Bert Kreischer Enough Copy Share Image
I love touring. I love stand up. I love getting on a tour bus with my friends. — Bert Kreischer Bus Copy Share Image
There's nothing like making a crowd laugh. For me that's the ultimate high. — Bert Kreischer Comedy Copy Share Image
My biggest regret is by far doing the Travel Channel show, 'Bert the Adventurer.' I spent seven years away from my family.… — Bert Kreischer Family Copy Share Image
I get this weird energy that starts in my feet and goes up and fills my head, and I just want to… — Bert Kreischer Crowd Copy Share Image
Skydiving is fascinating, the best part is cruising in the air and realizing that the dice has been thrown and you're either… — Bert Kreischer Air Copy Share Image
Don't hole up in your apartment and just write jokes, be a real human being and develop your own voice. Then you… — Bert Kreischer Human Copy Share Image
The first and last song I ever wrote was a ballad I was quite proud of, and one I would play for… — Bert Kreischer First Copy Share Image
Some of the most fun I've ever had has been filming 'Bert the Conqueror.' As a stand-up comedian, I love putting this… — Bert Kreischer Adventure Copy Share Image
I'd love to be a movie star. That'd be great. But I lost the looks awhile ago. They slipped right through my… — Bert Kreischer Great Copy Share Image
I run into guys all the time that say, 'Me and my three buddies started fat shaming each other and we collectively… — Bert Kreischer Fat Copy Share Image
I adopted a motto: Never say no. Jim Morrison never said no, Kurt Cobain never said no. You couldn't have great things… — Bert Kreischer Great Copy Share Image
I am not a big fan of very prepared standup. I like when Dave Attell writes and I appreciate it but I… — Bert Kreischer Big fan Copy Share Image
When I was on 'Hurt Bert' on FX - and I'm not crapping on FX, I'm just being honest - there was… — Bert Kreischer Being Copy Share Image
My second freshman year of college, that's year two of seven, my father got very sick and though he was going to… — Bert Kreischer Birthday Copy Share Image
I was in an ESPN interview and was asked, 'Who would I most want to ride a roller coaster with?' and I… — Bert Kreischer Girl Copy Share Image
I read some older books when I worked at Barnes And Noble, like some of the American classics. I read a lot… — Bert Kreischer American Copy Share Image
Here's the weird thing about me. I was never one to tell you stories about me. I was always the guy who… — Bert Kreischer Always Copy Share Image
No matter how successful I may get, I'll always be a failed musician, sitting at a concert double-fisting overpriced twenty-ounce beers, wishing… — Bert Kreischer Always Copy Share Image
