Before going home with a guy, give him a blow job. Guys are always more relaxed after a blow job. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I saw this huge billboard that said: 'Abortion Hurts' and then it had a drawing of a butterfly. Who is that for?… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
If things are really overwhelming and you need to talk, you can give me a call at 347-273-2044. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.” — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
The truth is, for however much my stories come out of things that have happened to me, they're not darkly or as deeply personal… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I've toured with a lot of comedians and it's never been like… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
What do you think you should do if you're attacked by a bear? Play dead? No - that's a lie promoted by the bears. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
One of the best things I found out about Detroit is that bears have started returning to the city. When bears are gentrifying your… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking. — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
“This book is a guide to living life the right way, like the Bible is for crazies and weak people (JK, bro), this book… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions?… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Of course, to avoid getting stuck in that convo with someone you dislike or feel uncomfortable around, don't be passive, be proactive. Do not… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences? — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
For a short period of time, I was like, I have these jokes and if people get them, they get them. And then eventually,… — Eugene Mirman Copy Share Image
