I went out with seven actors in a row. There are problems with that. I've had the really good-looking dramatic actor, and… — Jennifer Coolidge Copy Share Image
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses."… — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
That's the funny thing about time. It is only in looking back that it's easy to connect the dots. To see exactly… — Rebecca Serle Copy Share Image
To all the students who drop out and fail high school: Remember two things, 1. You tried your best. 2. I don't… — Itsme867 Copy Share Image
“Personally, if I were trying to discourage people from smoking, my sign would be a little different. In fact, I might even… — George Carlin Copy Share Image
I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me. Then he said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone… — Demetri Martin Copy Share Image
Don't you just hate it, when you are in bed with three beautiful women, and the least attractive one whispers: save it… — Jim Carrey Copy Share Image
The ones that learn by reading…… The few who learn by observation….. The rest of them have to pee on the electric… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
One of the greatest titles we can have is old friend. We never appreciate how important old friends are until we are… — Grant Fairley Copy Share Image
People think [baseball players] make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don't realize that most of us only make $500,000. — Pete Incaviglia Copy Share Image
The question that is so clearly in many potential parents' minds: 'Why should we stunt our ambitions and impoverish our lives in… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I see 'Jekyll' as a very scary comedy thriller, partly because Hyde is violent and frightening as a character but at the… — Denis Lawson Copy Share Image
I don't resent at all people saying, 'Oh, he's like a sweetheart'... but within comedy, it's a very funny way to talk… — Josh Gondelman Copy Share Image
This ain't Facebook... It's More like fuckbook... Sneakbook... Try to cheat n creepbook... lookbook... I don't like that hoe but I'm gone… — Bonita Bryant Morris Copy Share Image
'Matilda' is my favorite movie of all time. It's so funny. It's about this girl who's so independent and smart, and she… — Storm Reid Copy Share Image
A reputation takes years and years and years to build, and it takes one press of a button to ruin it. Don't… — J. J. Watt Copy Share Image
Meeting people at the bar is like going to the grocery store when your hungry - you bring home sh*t you don't… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Catholic school graduates exhibit a wide variety of qualities that will not only help them in their careers but also in their… — Joe Baca Copy Share Image
“You and pretty Tarquin had a moment today. Do you truly think he'll join us?' 'If you mean in bed, definitely not,'… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't… — Doug Stanhope Copy Share Image
“Have you ever or are you now involved in espionage or sabotage, or in terrorist activities, or genocide? I think we can… — Claire North Copy Share Image
I've always loved The Simpsons, just because it was really, really funny. As a kid, you love the characters. You know that… — Alex Hirsch Copy Share Image
“You should go.' 'This is my room,' he points out, affronted. 'And that's my wife.' 'So you keep telling everyone,' the Bomb… — Holly Black Copy Share Image
The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know… — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
“Wow." Josh stopped and ran a hand over his shaved head. "I mean, yeah, there's no beating that. That's the Usain Bolt… — Tom Ellen Copy Share Image
R.I.P to my Ex...the funeral will be held at Never Again Baptist Church, located across from The Lies You Told Cemetery, on… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said,… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
“Where do you find a stomach on a Thursday afternoon in Reno? "Chinatown?" suggests someone. "Costco?" "Butcher Boys." Tracy pulls his phone… — Mary Roach Copy Share Image
I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've… — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
Dear crush,don't be scared if a fat guy in a red suit snatches you away on christmas eve after all you were… — Corey Chevier Copy Share Image
The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
“That's good," Hunter said, panting. "Keep grinning at your attacker like that and they'll think you're way creepy. And mental." I grinned… — Alyxandra Harvey Copy Share Image
“If there is a god maybe it rewards those who don't believe on the basis of insufficient evidence--and punishes those who do.” — Peter Boghossian Copy Share Image
It's funny, oftentimes the really great roles that I enjoy are in classic plays, and there aren't many theatres in New York… — Laila Robins Copy Share Image
“I'm sorry I have issues with my boyfriend doing other men. I'm sorry I have issues with me doing other men. Why… — Laurell K. Hamilton Copy Share Image
Comedy is one genre that I really want to come my way because I was loved for my funny character in 'Khiladi… — Himesh Reshammiya Copy Share Image
I've always believed that there are funny people everywhere, but they're just not comedians. In fact, some of my best comedic inspirations… — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
People used to be funny about approaching me, but now they seem to think I'm as sane as anyone who's done what… — Philip Seymour Hoffman Copy Share Image
People who use their erudition to write for a learned minority... don't seem to me favored by fortune but rather to be… — Desiderius Erasmus Copy Share Image
When my tweet doesn't get RTed I whisper I don't care what they say. I'm in love with you & kiss the… — Green Monk Copy Share Image